The New Year's List
by E.C. Cullen
Summary: BxAxR come up with a list of things to do before 2008 ends. Bella is in for a wild ride with her two best friends and Edward just happens to be there every step of the way. Crude/sexual humor, all human. ON HIATUS.
1. The List

Disclaimer: I do not own anything affiliated with Twilight

**Disclaimer: **I do not own anything affiliated with _Twilight_.

**Summary: **Bella only gets to see her two best friends from her childhood one time a year: New Years. But this time, Rose, Alice, and Bella make a New Year's list of things to get done before 2008 is over. First on their list is to make out with someone random. But for Bella, this kiss is amazing. What happens when almost a year later she actually moves to Forks and comes face to face with the man who gave her the kiss she's dreamed about? And what happens if he happens to be the school's biggest player? All human.

**Chapter 1: **The List

Christmas, Thanksgiving, and Easter were important holidays, so I was always forced to spend those with my family. St. Patrick's Day and Halloween weren't too important, but there was never enough time off to go and visit my two best friends, so those holidays were out of the question, as well.

That left New Years. We were already off because of Christmas, so every year I would travel from Phoenix to Forks, and meet up with the two people I loved most in the world: Alice and Rose.

I had lived in Forks until I was 10. After that, my mom wanted me down in Phoenix with her. I left, but not completely. I still visited, and every year seemed to pick up where the last one left off. It seemed as if nothing had changed.

But this time after I got off the plane and walked into the airport, two stunningly beautiful people greeted me.

"Rose?!" I shrieked. "Alice?! Oh my God, you two!"

We ran, screaming toward each other. Everyone in our way was a goner, as we only saw each other as the finish line. Rose and Alice were always pretty…so much more than me, but this year they had matured. They looked like models. Rose with her now silky blonde hair, was toned, and Alice, that spiky little black-haired pixie, was still short, but definitely had some rather…nice…assets. 

"Damn, you guys!" I laughed. "I guess I missed the memo about coming back a year later and looking hot!"

"Bella," Rose rolled her eyes, "you're beautiful, so stop it."

Now it was my turn to roll my eyes. "And besides," Alice chirped, "it's nothing that shopping can't fix!"

I literally shuddered at that.

"You guys promised that the first thing we would do when I got here, would not be shopping."

"We know," Rose chuckled, a glint in her eye.

I shook my head. Whatever these two had planned was going to be just as bad—if not worse—than going shopping. And I called them my best friends.

"Let's go get your bags and get out of here."

I smiled at them. I would only be here for three days, but I'm sure it would be three of the best days of my life.

"So, ladies?" I prodded. "Any boy toys?"

They laughed, rolling their eyes. I stared, opened mouth at them. How could _they_ not have anyone?

"Alice does kind of have a thing for my brother," Rosalie admitted, earning a glare from Alice.

"Fine, play dirty, just now payback is a bitch, _Rose_," Alice sneered, causing us to erupt into a fit of giggles. Alice could be vicious when she wanted to, but she would never purposefully inflict any harm on us…well, permanent harm that is.

After gathering my measly one bag—which is plenty for only three nights—and earning a disapproving look from Alice, we made our way out of the airport and into the parking garage where Alice's yellow Porsche sat.

The Cullen and Hale family, as far as I knew, where the most affluent ones in the town of small and rainy Forks. They never waved it around, though, which was a good thing, because I doubted I'd be friends with them if they did. As much as I loved my girls, throwing cash in peoples' faces just to make them aware of what they didn't have, was extremely disgusting and uncalled for.

"What _will_ we be doing?" I asked cautiously, knowing that since I banned them from shopping, I had to give into whatever plan they _had_ come up with.

"Making a list," Alice squealed.

"A list?" I questioned.

Rose nodded her head, somehow still being able to apply massacre at the same time.

"We thought it could be a list of things to accomplish before 2008 is over."

"Oh," was my only response.

"We also thought it would get you to come out here and visit us more," Alice added.

"Why would a list make me do that?" Alice looked hurt, so I quickly stumbled together a sentence to make everything right in the world. "I mean, I would, you know…I don't need a list…I would come voluntarily, without some list," I finished pathetically. 

Alice looked into the rearview mirror back at me. "We know," she grinned, "but this list changes everything."

My eyes narrowed into slits. Whatever they had planned, I was sure not to like. "And why is that?"

"Because we're going to be putting you out there," Rose beamed.

"As in?"

"As in making you a little sex kitten."

"What?!" I shrieked. My first thoughts were of a mantra, singing 'no' over and over again, and then finally my thoughts flashed to Charlie, but instead of looking happy to see me, he held a gun in his hand, threatening me to get off of a pole. _Why the hell was I on a pole? And why the hell was Charlie seeing me on a pole?_ "I'm not becoming a stripper!" I blurted out.

This caused Rose and Alice to burst into laughter and for my pale face to earn back its title as most colorful, turning a bright shade of red.

"We would never make you strip. I don't think…" Alice pondered, glancing at Rose.

"It's far too early for that," Rose finished.

"I'm right here, and I can make up my own damn mind. I'm not stripping and Charlie is _never_ going to see me on a pole."

They both whipped their heads around toward me and I blushed furiously. "What? It was a daydream!"

This only caused them to look at me like I was growing two heads. "Oh, God, no! It wasn't a dream like that. Oh, come on. Now you guys are just being perverts! Seriously." I shook my head, trying to banish the images they brought back to life. It wasn't a daydream; it was a nightmare.

"How exactly do we come up with this list?" I asked, wanting to change topics.

"Together," Alice and Rose said in unison.

"Meaning when I try and veto something, you two make damn sure it actually does happen. Seems fair," I said sarcastically, rolling my eyes.

We pulled up to Alice's house and got out. I took my bag up to her room, completely ready to relax, but Alice and Rose had different plans.

"So we were thinking that the first thing on the list should be to try and find boyfriends." I shrugged. In three days time I would be back in Phoenix, and if they ever asked, I could make up a perfectly acceptable boyfriend, and when the time came for them to meet him or talk to him, I could say we broke up. Simple. Easy as pie. I actually smiled.

"The next would be to buy a pregnancy test."

I stopped in mid-thought. "I agreed to a boyfriend, not to bedding the guy. Besides, I don't want a child. Not now anyways."

Rose and Alice laughed. "Okay, I get it! It's make-fun of Bella while you can, but seriously, I'm not agreeing to that. I just can't." 

They laughed some more until Alice finally found the breath to explain. "It's not because we're having sex with anyone; it's purely to see people's reactions to us buying a test. And if their reactions are half as funny as yours are, I won't have to worry about trying to pee on the strip, I'll be peeing in the middle of the store."

"Nice visual, Alice," I grumbled. "So moving on, what's next?"

"It's your turn. Rose and I have already chosen something to go on the list."

I sighed, contemplating with how easily I could get away with saying we had to buy a book…The odds weren't high. "We have to write a note to our secret crush."

"Bella, that's lame."

"Seriously! At least _try_ to be more creative than third graders."

"Wounded ego, you two. Beyond repair."

They rolled their eyes, so I tried to come up with something better. "Okay, we have to give a love letter to someone we don't know, just to see the reaction on their face."

Alice and Rose exchanged a knowing glance. "We can work with that," Rose piped up.

"We are just going to change a few parts of it."

"Do I even want to know?"

"Instead of a note," Rose smirked, "it has to be a kiss."

"What! I draw the line. The boyfriend thing will be because I want it. The pregnancy thing is just your sick minds at work. But kissing a guy I don't know? That is out of the question!"

Unfortunately when I looked back up at them after I was done ranting, the impending deed was already written on the list.

I sighed. There was no way I was going to win this.

"So is this all of the list?" I asked. 

Again, they grinned wickedly. "Number one is a long term goal," Alice explained.

"But numbers two and three can be done tonight," Rose finished.

I was gawking at this point. I thought I would at least have time to prepare for something like this. Apparently not.

"So, tonight we go and get some action, and them tomorrow we go and buy the tests. The order of events makes perfect sense," Alice smiled.

I smiled weakly at them. "And after those two things are crossed off the list?" I asked, fearful.

"Well, tomorrow is New Years. We have to add more to the list, then seal it up, opening it next year to make sure we've done everything we've promised ourselves we would."

"Or else?"

"Or else you become Bella Barbie for a whole week."

I stared at them, not amused, and eyebrows raised. "You two seem so confident that you will accomplish everything on the list." 

"Bella!" Rose yelled in disbelief. "Have you looked at us lately? We're hot!"

"Maturing hasn't helped your massive ego, Rose."

"Oh, shut up. I was talking about you, too!"

"So can we please get this over with now?"

They grinned wickedly at me. "Not before we all get dolled up."

I groaned. "Fine."

Alice and Rose made me keep my eyes closed the entire time they were primping me. I could feel them knotting through my hair, which hurt like hell, and then curling it, only to straighten it again, before deciding that waves would look nice.

While Alice was finishing up with that, Rose quickly did my make-up and then both of them helped me into a dress. At least it had straps, because I was not feeling much coverage near my thighs and there seemed to be a slit in the most inconvenient place—in between my two legs, in the front of my dress. That just screamed 'I'm open for business, come play with me.'

I groaned before I suddenly felt Rose's hands. "God, Rose, get your hands off of me! Why are you groping my breasts?"

"I'm not, Bella, I'm being nice and attempting to give you some cleavage, now shut up like a good girl."

"Well, when you say it so sweetly…"

"Done!" Alice squealed. I went to open my eyes, but they had already shoved me out of the bathroom.

"No looking. We know you too well and we know you'd be self-conscious through the whole fiasco." 

Alice was right so I sighed, giving in. 

For the second time that day, we made our way over to the yellow Porsche…my carriage to hell.

Alice and Rose had miraculously done me up, while getting ready themselves, and they looked like the mother of all goddesses.

"Um, how do you two expect me to get even a peck on the cheek? The guy will look at me, then look at you two, and feel like he is being gypped."

"Bella," Alice said seriously, "you look so sexy, it's ridiculous. Just wait until we walk into that mall. All heads will be turning your way."

I ignored her comment with a wave of my hand.

Alice found a parking spot and then tree of us got out, walking into the mall. I caught a reflection of myself in the glass on the doors and immediately stopped walking. Shit! Was that seriously _me_?

I stood there, gaping at the work my two best friends had done, when I felt something hard bump into me.

"Sorry," a smooth, velvety voice whispered right into my ear. "I didn't see you standing here."

I slowly turned around, my breath catching in my throat. I was staring into the most beautiful green eyes I had ever seen, and I could see my reflection shining back in them. Maybe I wouldn't lose this New Year's list bet after all.


	2. Lesbian Lovers and Chippendale Replicas

Disclaimer: I do not own anything affiliated with Twilight

**Disclaimer: **I do not own anything affiliated with _Twilight_.

**Last Time: **

"_Sorry," a smooth, velvety voice whispered right into my ear. "I didn't see you standing here."_

_I slowly turned around, my breath catching in my throat. I was staring into the most beautiful green eyes I had ever seen, and I could see my reflection shining back in them. Maybe I wouldn't lose this New Year's list bet after all._

**Chapter 2: **Lesbian Lovers and Chippendale Replicas 

My mind was never known to work that fast. But standing in front of a Chippendale replica, it began to seem retarded. If not retarded, then it was definitely malfunctioning, because I started sputtering words out.

I looked behind me to Alice and Rose. Alice was wanting to march over here, probably wanting to take charge, but Rose was easily holding her back, smirking at me.

Finally, I looked back up into those damn beautiful eyes. "I didn't see you standing here either."

Fabulous job, Bella. You can swap shit and free talk with Rose and Alice—no problem. But with _him_ you become a first class idiot.

How the hell _would_ I have seen him standing here? He was behind me? I shook my head and dared myself to look up at his face.

He cleared his throat and smiled, quirking an eyebrow. Damn it. Did he have to look sexy while doing one of the most mundane activities? It takes 22 muscles to smiles but he made it look so effortless. I bit my bottom lip, trying to stop myself from attacking him at this moment. Talk about embarrassing!

He raised his hand and brushed it over my cheek. If it wasn't red before, it was on fire now. "Your cheeks look sexy when you blush," he whispered into my ear, slowly brining his lips away from my face, his breath washing over my skin, causing it to tingle, his scent making me weak.

I started choking on air. Did her seriously just say that to me? "Your cheeks are sexy, too," I spit out.

Finally coming to the realization that no matter what I said to him, I would seem like an incapable first graders when it came to flirting, I whirled around and marched over to my friends.

"Damn it, Rose!" I yelled, words—thousands of them—finally coming back to me. "Why didn't you let Alice come and help? I looked like a wanna-be flirt, and I don't even know what the hell that is!"

Rose rolled her eyes at me. "It's someone who…Wants. To. Be. A. Flirt. As if the name wasn't obvious enough."

"Jeez, thanks, Sherlock. Could've figured that out on my own."

"Then why didn't you?" she shot back.

"Because who the hell can't flirt properly?"

Alice shrugged. "There is this girl at our school. You know who I'm talking about, Rose."

Rose laughed. "She twitches her eyes every time she talks to a guy. I used to think she was doing a comedy show, you know, charging people to make a fool of herself. I felt bad after I asked her how much tickets cost and found out it was just her being her."

"Subtle," I muttered, still annoyed at how I acted with this gorgeous looking boy.

"So who was he?" Rose asked.

"Who was who?"

"Who was the boy you made a complete fool of yourself in front of?" she clarified.

"First off, Rose, I'd like to honor you with a Razzie Award, for worst friend. Way to be so supportive."

Before I could continue, Alice interrupted me, pouting. "Bella, why does Rose get an award and I don't?"

"Alice!" I whined. "Do you even know what a Razzie is? They're awarded to Hollywood's worst. Worst actor of the year, worst movie of the year, and so on. Do you seriously want an award?"

"Yes!" she screamed, jumping up and down.

"Fine, I groaned. "Alice, I proudly present you a Razzie for officially being the worst shopping partner."

"Bella!" Alice gasped, shocked.

"Don't Bella me, Alice! You asked for the damn award, so take it!"

"Well, I don't want it anymore."

"So off topic," I said, shaking my head. "Anyways, did either of you seriously not see him?"

They both shook their heads. 

"Okay, well, he was beyond hot. He was so out of my league, but since this list has nothing to do with who I can actually catch, and is all about kissing the hell out of whomever I want, I want it to be him."

Rose grabbed a nail file out of her purse and started working on her left hand. She plumped down onto a bench. "We're going to be here for awhile," she huffed.

"And why is that?" I asked, angry.

"Because, Bella," she rolled her eyes, "it's going to take half of the day for you to actually muster up the courage to even want to kiss him, then the next half of the day will be us following him around. Finally, he'll realize we're stalking him. Out of nowhere, you'll run over to him, like he's some sort of long lost lover. You'll plant a kiss on him with your inexperienced virgin lips, and then he'll really be creeped out. Mall security will come, and I'll have to pretend like I don't know you. I will have Alice come and get you out of jail, though. Whenever they finish running the papers for the restraining order he'll file against you, that is."

"If it weren't for that heartfelt ending, and the considerate way you would send Alice after me, I would hate you."

"Cut the crap. You love, my lesbian lover, and you know it!"

"Rose, gross! Now are you two going to help a peasant learn how to flirt with prince charming?"

That got Rose's attention. "Now, you're talking, Bella."

Alice squealed. "Did you get anything out of him? Name, age, sex?"

"Alice, if I shot Rose down as my lesbian lover, I doubt I could find a more attractive female. And besides, I already said he was a male."

Alice shrugged. "You know the world today. It could have been a cross-dresser."

"And you know me, Alice," I retorted. "Cross-dressers are not my type."

"Good to know," Rose remarked.

I rolled my eyes. "He has these piercing green eyes. It's almost ridiculous. He could be a squeaky mathematician who is obsessed with Star Wars and is five years younger than me, and I would still think he's hot. Those damn eyes render me speechless."

"Did you even get a look at his other attributes?" Rose questioned.

"Well, when he bumped into me, I could definitely _feel_ some of his finer qualities."

"Like?" Alice asked, jumping up and down.

"Like his rock hard abs, and his fine-tuned pecks."

"Anything else?" Rose smirked. "Like, farther down south."

I blushed crimson red. "He didn't get an erection by looking at me, if that's what you mean."

She shrugged. "I just wasn't sure how close you two were."

I blushed even more.

"Oh my God, you felt it didn't you?" Alice squealed for the millionth time.

"It's not like I reached out and grabbed it, but yeah, I happened to feel it on my ass. Happy?"

"I'm not the one who should be happy," Rose grinned.

I rolled my eyes. "Moving on. How do I find him, and more importantly, how do I lure him?"

"Well," Alice started, "you already look like that sex kitten we wanted you to be, so luring him is covered. We just need to teach you how to turn the tables. We want _him_ to be the one rendered speechless."

I nodded my head, liking where this was going already.

"And we have to hurry," Alice continued. "We have no idea how long he will be in the mall for." 

"So what's first?" I asked.

"First?" Rose barked. "Honey, we multitask. It's the way of the world. Welcome to the twenty-first century."

"Okay, then, let's get going."

"That's more like it!" Alice chirped. "Now, Bella, when Rose was groping you earlier, she gave you more cleavage, show it off."

I stuck out my chest, my shoulders far behind me.

"Not like that! We want you to be subtle in a sex kitten way. We didn't ask you to become a freaking prostitute."

"Fine." I moved my shoulders in more, but kept my neck high, and my stance tall.

"Good, now subtly sway your hips." I did as they asked, but accidentally started to fall over.

I crashed into poor Alice, but not before I brought Rose down with us. We knocked over a trashcan, calling attention to us, from all who were close. "Subtle, Bella," Rose hissed. "Now was not show time."

I rolled my eyes at Rose. She always cared about her appearance. "Let loose, Rose. Pretend it's the fucking rodeo, not a damn pageant."

"People, Bella. Either way there are people, and that translates into impressing."

"You know you don't need to impress anyone, Rose."

"Coming from the lesbian who refused to be my lover."

I laughed. "Rejections tough, Rose. You'll get used to it, though."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" she questioned, standing up and pulling Alice and me along with her.

I shrugged. "Life is damned, even for the beautiful."

We all sighed and then glared at our audience. "Maybe it should just be the three of us," Alice suggested.

"The three musketeers, against the world," I laughed.

"No boys to drag us down," Rose relented.

We walked hand-in-hand into the food court. We hadn't forgotten today's mission, we just needed some girl bonding time. We each quickly grabbed some food and met back at a table.

"So where does this take us?" I asked.

Rose pretended to ponder the question. "We could just become school sluts. Bella, you seem to already have it down pat."

I grimaced. "Just because I don't know the difference between sluty and sexy, doesn't mean I want to work on corners in L.A."

"I hate to break it to you girls, but five years from now, I'm going to be married, with a daughter, who unlike you, Bella, will be my own miniature Barbie."

"And how do you know this, Alice? Didn't we just decide that all men in the world aren't worth our time?"

She shrugged. "I think you two will find love this year without even expecting it or looking for it."

"Love?" I barked. "Seriously, Alice, you're demented. First you want me to kiss a complete stranger, then you expect me to find a boyfriend, and now you're asking me to fall in love? Sorry, babe, but that is emotion overload, even for your quirky self."

"I think we should raise the stakes."

I groaned. Rose looked interested, though, meaning I had no say in the matter.

"To what?"

"Well, Bella, you already found someone to kiss, so you're good." I sighed in relief. "For now."

I glared at Alice, while she continued talking. "But, Rose, I get to choose who you make-out with."

"Hell. No." Rose said, probably afraid it would be a pimple-faced dweeb. She never was too open to other options. She was much too shallow.

"Come on," Alice pleaded, turning on the full force of her puppy dog eyes.

Suddenly, Rose grinned wickedly. "Only if this means I get to choose who you make-out with."

"Certainly."

"No stipulations?"

"None."

"Deal," Rose smiled, shaking Alice's hand.

"Now," Alice continued. "As far as raising the stakes, I propose we have to go out on a date with these guys."

My mouth dropped open. "Alice!" I whined. "I thought I was just going to suck his face and then end of story. Now you expect me to march up to this green-eyed Chippendale, swap spit with him, do a little tongue dance, and then finish up, wipe his germs off my mouth, and then add, 'Oh yeah, you're going on a date with me'? You can't do that! I would expect that type of torture from Rose, but not from you!"

"Oh shut up, you big baby. This is what we mean by putting you out there. You're hot, Bella. It's time you start flaunting it!"

I heard a chair squeak across the polished floors just then, and looked at Rose and Alice's shocked, even horrified, faces.

"Yeah, Bella. Would you flaunt?" that same velvety voice called out.

I whipped my head around. Those damn green eyes were staring back at me, again. And again, I was rendered speechless. Damn lesbian lovers for putting me up to this. Damn Chippendale for looking so incredibly sexy.

He bit his bottom lip, running his tongue across it, making his mouth look so inviting. I leaned in closer.

He leaned in, too, whispering in my ear. "For me, Bella?"

I wanted to say yes, but instead I just stared at his lips. It was now or never.

**A/N: If you celebrate Easter, then this is my gift to you. Happy Easter! Review, please! It'd be you returning the favor!!**


	3. The Birds and the Bees and Bushes

Disclaimer: I do not own anything affiliated with Twilight

**Disclaimer: **I do not own anything affiliated with _Twilight_.

**Last Time: **

"_Yeah, Bella. Would you flaunt?" that same velvety voice called out._

_I whipped my head around. Those damn green eyes were staring back at me, again. And again, I was rendered speechless. Damn lesbian lovers for putting me up to this. Damn Chippendale for looking so incredibly sexy._

_He bit his bottom lip, running his tongue across it, making his mouth look so inviting. I leaned in closer._

_He leaned in, too, whispering in my ear. "For me, Bella?"_

_I wanted to say yes, but instead I just stared at his lips. It was now or never._

**Chapter 3: **The Birds and the Bees and Bushes

Those lips. Did everything about him have to be so perfect?

Even if I didn't want to—which believe me, I did—kiss him, those lips were like a magnet. I tried looking up into his eyes to shake all thoughts of attacking him, but I knew that that wouldn't help any. His eyes would just lure me in, letting him have his way with me.

I leaned in further, having no control. Mind over matter? Screw that. Well, actually I _would_ screw _that_, if he wanted me to.

I met him half way. I could smell his scent and it washed over me. Not even my rumbling stomach could interrupt this moment. His smell banished all other odors, making me light headed. His eyes had me lost and his lips had me drawn.

I was a goner.

"Edward!"

_Edward_. So that was his name.

"Edward!" the same playful and booming voice called out.

I snapped out of my trance and looked up at Edward, and not just those lips that seemed so edible.

The figure loomed closer and I could see messy brown ringlets atop his head, his body heavily muscled and defined. He loomed over me. It was almost as if a storm had rushed in, blocking the sun and all other sources of light from my view.

Edward didn't move his eyes off of me and when I looked back at him, I sucked in a breath at how intense his stare was. Instead of pulling away, he leaned in closer, his lips almost touching my ear, his breath being the only sound I could hear in this crowded mall.

"I think you were about to kiss me."

No words. No thoughts. No breathing. No nothing! Most would consider it a coma; I just figured that I was bounded in the most blissful trance state that anyone has ever been able to experience.

He knew that I was going to kiss him. That meant he wasn't repulsed by the idea of my lips on his. That meant, that I _would_ do it. I would kiss the angel in front of me. Now how to get out of this blissful trance state?

"Ow!" I yelped, after feeling a high heel jab into my toe. Not exactly the exit I wanted, as now my face was ketchup colored.

Edward chuckled and leaned away.

He stared at me for an immeasurable amount of time before standing up.

"It was nice seeing you again, Bella," he winked. Then he ran an icy cool finger from the base of my temple, down my flaming cheek, and settled on the tip of my chin. "And maybe next time, this green-eyes Chippendale will give you a private show."

My breathing became erratic and I swear my face turned to molten red lava. He stared at me for a moment longer before tracing his finger across my lips. "Save those for me, will you?" he grinned.

I nodded my head lamely and he walked off to join the big grizzly bear.

Alice and Rose were silent next to me, all three of us in shock. A million things were running through my mind. Embarrassment was one. He had heard my whole spiel about the Chippendale, the kissing, and the date. _The date!_ Did that mean he would willingly go out on a date with me?

I snapped out of the trance first. "You guys?"

"Huh?" Alice gawked.

"He was hot!" Rosalie insisted.

"Rose!" I whined. "That so isn't fair. I met him first."

"More like he grinded into you first. It's a shame we made you wear clothes to the mall."

"Rosalie!"

"Kidding. Besides, I'm interested in that other one. He looks like he has a lot of stamina. I bet he could go all night."

"Rose. As you so kindly pointed out, I have virgin lips, meaning I have virgin ears, too, and I really don't want to hear your sexual fantasies, especially about a guy who happened to just pass by. And you think I have the role of a slut down pat."

"Actually, you don't."

I looked at her weirdly. What was with all the indecisiveness?

She shrugged. "It's all in the wording, darling. You're a virgin, so no one has ever commanded you in that way before."

"In what way?" I asked, irritation growing.

"Slut, down. Pat."

"Oh God, Rose! That mind of yours needs help."

Alice giggled beside Rose. "Has anyone ever really commanded that of you, Rose. Because I can't picture you of all people obeying to that command."

Rose grinned wickedly. "He wasn't the one doing the talking."

I rolled my eyes. "Must everything that comes out of anyone's mouth have a sexual connotation?"

"Big word, Bella, I'm proud."

"I'm full of 'em," I muttered.

"You're full of cum?" Rose asked innocently.

"I'm full of _them_, Rose. God! Alice, a little help here. We have a sexual deviant on our hands." Before Rose could make another sarcastic remark, I quickly redeemed myself. "And no, Rose. I don't actually have my hands on you, and don't expect me to anytime soon, either. I rejected you, remember?"

"I remember quite well. It was right after you pulled me on top of you," she smirked.

"Why do we always get off topic? Can we talk about that god that made me speechless?"

"Edward Masen," Alice replied happily.

"And you know him how?"

"Because he and his brother, Emmett—the really big one who Rose plans on banging—just transferred here. They'll be going to school with us as soon as the new semester starts."

"Seriously?" Rose and I asked.

Alice rolled her eyes. "Faith. I know it's hard, but at least _try_ to have a little in me."

"How do you find these things out, Alice?" I begged, needing more information.

She shrugged. "I have my ways."

"We have to go after them," Rose stated.

"Damn straight. I still need my kiss."

"He was _so_ ready to give it to you, too," Rose smiled.

"Aw," I smirked, "Rosalie's putting on the charm. Pucker up, Rose, I'll give you that kiss you've always dreamed of."

Rosalie scoffed and stood up, shoving her chair back into the table. "Girls. Screw the food. We've got guys who I'm sure taste much better. And by the looks of it, they have a feisty appetite."

"What about me?" Alice whined.

"Go redeem yourself, pixie. Do some shopping and find some clothes for all of us for the New Year's party tomorrow. You'll get your hunk of man later tonight."

Different emotions passed through Alice's face. Excitement; for shopping I'm sure. Dread. She probably wanted to come with us, or most likely, me. And then there was fear. Poor little Alice had no idea what was up Rosalie's sleeves.

"So you've chosen Emmett to be your make-out partner? I thought I got to choose that?" Alice pouted.

"Honey, you do get to choose," Rosalie stated, patting Alice on the back. "Now who do you want me to make-out with?"

Rosalie looked at Alice, who was a good foot shorter than her, and glared. Sure, Rose was giving Alice a choice, but she was making sure Alice knew to choose _the_ choice.

"Fine," Alice huffed. "Whoever you choose for me, better be good, Rose, or I'm going to be pissed."

Rose grinned wickedly and started walking away, linking her arm through mine. "Make sure the outfits leave little to the imagination," Rose called over her shoulder.

"Don't listen to her, Alice," I screamed.

Alice giggled and pranced away.

"So where should we look first?" I asked Rosalie.

Rose stuck her nose up in the air. "_We_ don't do the looking, Bella. _They_ do."

"And how can you be so certain they will come after us or even know where we are?" I asked. Rose was way too cocky for her own good.

"Trust me, Bella. A little faith would be nice. Add a dash of hope, and a sprinkle of love, and in no time, trust will be coming out of the oven, nice and fresh."

"You're relating trust to a recipe and cooking?"

"And you're a virgin. Who's weirder?"

"I'm saving myself."

"Again, Bella. Twenty-first century. It's called a condom and birth control."

"And you're called an ass."

Rose smiled. "A fine one at that."

I sighed. "So how exactly are we doing this?"

"Follow me, Bella."

We walked through the mall, and throngs of people stared at us. I don't know if it was our mall attire, or their remembrance of our earlier "show." Either way, I was getting more and more self-conscious.

"People are staring, Rose."

"Stare back."

So I did. When this little boy walked by, holding a woman's hand in a death grip, he screamed at me and I stared back at him, just like Rose had instructed. "Auntie," he yelped.

The little boy's aunt looked down at him. "What is it now, Evan?"

"Her!" The little boy pointed at me and I could feel myself growing hot quickly from embarrassment.

The aunt smiled at me. "What about her, Evan?"

"There's a bush growing under her dress," he yelled, loud enough for half the mall to hear.

I glared at the little boy and he immediately jumped behind his aunt. I jabbed Rose in the back, pushing her forward with all my might. She was in hysterics and I was at my breaking point.

I was mortified! Half the mall now knew what was going on where the sun didn't shine. With Rose in hysterics, and me not thinking clearly, I snapped.

"It's called fucking pubic hair. It grows on ladies' vaginas if they don't shave there or get it waxed."

The boy's eyes popped out of his head at the same time mine did. "Shit, Rose! Did I say that out loud?"

Rose was laughing too hard to respond, tears streaming down her face. I covered my face with my hands.

What had I just done? And _why_ had I let Rose not put my in a thong?

Rose finally got herself under control and cleared the tears from her face. "Well, Bella. I forgot how much fun it is going places with you."

"Whatever, Rose. I just feel bad for exposing the poor little boy to obscene images before he even hits double digits."

"There is one good thing that came out of this," Rose smiled. But to me, it looked evil.

"What would that be, Rose?" I asked, my voice faltering.

"It wasn't exactly how I planned to get their attention. I was thinking of going on the merry-go-round in the center of the mall. You know, our dresses hiked up would definitely draw a crowd. But you've done a fabulous job all on your own. I salute you."

"What did I do, Rose?" I felt like strangling her. She was so open when I didn't want her to be, yet so secretive and cryptic when I needed information the most.

"Emmett and Edward. They found us!"

"No!" I screamed, not allowing myself to follow her gaze, where she was waving seductively. "Rose, please tell me, for my sanity, so I don't go and jump off the railing, that you are playing a fucked up joke on me. Tell me, damn it!"

Rose threw her head back and laughed. "Sorry, Bella. And they're walking over here as we speak."

"Damn it! Where is Ashton? I want to be fucking punk'd! Where are the damn camera crews?"

"Bella, I hate to break it to you, but you aren't important enough to be punk'd."

"Thanks, Rose," I sighed, letting out a shaky breath.

I turned my back on the way Rose was facing and stared up at the ceiling. I should at least apologize to the little boy and his aunt. I did feel bad, but Rose told me to stare back and it got me all flustered. The little boy had the same colored eyes as Edward and I wasn't thinking straight when I let all that information slip. Poor guy. He only looked to be about six. I've probably ruined his childhood.

"That was quite a show," I heard an amused voice whisper in my ear, while putting a hand at the small of my back.

"I'm glad you enjoyed it," I sighed.

He laughed. It was so musical and utterly refreshing that it almost swept all my worries away. "And here I was thinking that _I_ was going to have the privilege of giving _you_ a show."

I smiled, even though he couldn't see it. "I like shows," I mumbled, stupidly.

He laughed again. "I can tell."

I whirled around to face him, my eyebrows quirked. "Really?" I asked, suspicious. "How?"

He smiled. Again, with the perfection! Why did God feel the need to torture me? I said one fucking bad word and perverted the mind of one child. Yet, I need to be put in a torturously beautiful hell because of it. I quit this religion! I always thought it was screwed up anyways.

"I saw the whole trashcan incident," he grinned, cocking his head. I blushed. You know what? I don't even think there really was a religion to begin with, because if there was, then there sure as hell would be a God, and I'm not feeling any love! "Don't be embarrassed," he smiled. "Watching three girls fall on top of each other was quite the turn on. I thank you."

Cocky. I rolled my eyes at his statement. "I'm glad I could pleasure you in some way. My shows aren't usually free, though. And I normally don't perform for crowds," I added glumly.

"Your little outbursts are quite the turn ons, as well."

"About that. I should probably go and apologize to that little boy and his aunt."

He held back a laugh, his eyes dancing with amusement.

"What is it?" I asked.

He tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. His touch caused a shock to go through me and I involuntarily smiled. "I'll go with you."

I repressed a grin. It was really sweet of him to offer. "You don't have to," I shrugged.

"I insist," he smiled.

We walked over to the little boy who was crying and my heart instantly wrenched. I looked up into the eyes of the little boy's aunt.

"My name's Bella," I greeted. "I'm really sorry about that outburst. I wasn't thinking clearly and I just kind of snapped."

The woman nodded her head. "Esme Masen. And I see you've already met one of my son's, Edward."

**A/N: LOL!! I thought it was amusing, but I want to know what you guys think. And don't worry. The kissing is coming up extremely soon. Please be patient, and just enjoy the ride! And please review, flames or not, I really do like to hear what you guys have to say!**


	4. Follow the YellowFlamed Road…To Hell

Disclaimer: I do not own anything affiliated with Twilight

**Disclaimer: **I do not own anything affiliated with _Twilight_.

**A/N**: Some people got it, others didn't, but I was able to explain away most of peoples' questions. Just in case, though, here are a few clarifications:

1) Evan is Esme's nephew, making him Edward and Emmett's cousin _not_ brother.

2) Edward and Emmett have _not_ started school with Rosalie and Alice yet; they start once school picks back up again after the winter break in early January.

3) Bella was _not_ wearing a thong or any type of underwear and Evan was able to walk by and see up because of how short the dress was and because of the slit in the front.

4) Rosalie and Jasper are siblings (Hale), Emmett and Edward are siblings (Masen), Alice is an only child (Cullen), and Bella is an only child as well (Swan).

5) Edward _did_ hear the Chippendale speech Bella gave at the end of chapter 2.

6) WARNING: _This clarification is sexually explicit._ Some people did not understand the "Slut, down. Pat." comment. Basically in the line before that, Bella was sarcastically saying, "And you think I have the role of a slut down pat." Rose, being the way her mind is so focused on sex, took her words and twisted them, saying, "Slut, down. Pat." It's like a man commanding a woman in the actual act, calling her a slut, telling her to get down, and then telling her to pat.

Any more questions, e-mail or PM me, or just put it in with your review!

**Last Time: **

_The woman nodded her head. "Esme Masen. And I see you've already met one of my son's, Edward."_

**Chapter 4: **Follow the Yellow-Flamed Road…To Hell

Crap! Did she seriously just say that?

I spun around to face Edward, who had so daringly wrapped an arm around my waist from behind. I yanked it off and glared at him.

"You _knew_?" I hissed.

He smiled at me and for a second I was lost, like being over taken by a tide, unable to find my way back up for air.

"Knew what?" he asked, down playing the situation.

"You know what," I glared.

"Well, I do admit to knowing that women have pubic hair, however, I did _not_ know you still had _yours_."

My face burned, a thousand suns beaming their rays down upon me. "So what if I do?" I breathed, trying to get myself under control and not let him know how much he was really affecting me.

He looked over my shoulder in the direction of his mom and cousin and then leaned in to whisper in my ear. "So if you do…I now _know_ that I would like to see it."

I hit his shoulder. "You're a huge dick!"

He chuckled, enjoying this. "I may be one, but I also have one."

"Okay, disgusting pig, I now have damage control to take care of, no thanks to you, so leave your penis in your pants, and keep your tongue in your mouth, and maybe I'll consider talking to you again."

He smiled that breathtaking smile that caused me to melt. It made me want to slap him, purely for being so beautiful. "I was hoping we wouldn't be doing much talking."

"Like I said, you're a pig. I prefer not to kiss things that roll in mud and snort."

"That's too bad," he smiled, yanking me back to him and slipping his arm around my waist, while walking back toward his mom and cousin.

As we approached, I became even more nervous. Having Edward by my side helped a little, if only for the fact that he was standing by my side—literally and figuratively.

Next came the question of how the hell I was supposed to respond to this woman, who happens to be the aunt of the little boy I so crudely erupted, and the mom of the hunk of man I wanted to swap spit with.

I settled for nodding my head at her to stall for time, but then Rosalie ended up grabbing it and stopping it, saying I looked like a drunken bobble head.

Mrs. Masen was still standing there, waiting for my answer.

"You would be correct in your assumption, Mrs. Masen. I have met Edward," I told her, my voice coming out monotone and my smile looking fake and plastered. Could I be anymore commercial if I tried?

And what the fuck did I just say? Of course I've met Edward! The man was attached to my hip like a leech and I made it sound like I met the guy at a business function. Besides being prone to inappropriate outburst, she is now going to assume that I think people can't see the obvious.

Rose slapped the back of my head and it hurt as if a horse's shoe had gone and plunked me there.

"Damn it, Rose," I screeched, and then looked down to see Mrs. Masen covering up the little boy's ears.

Shit! Toto, welcome to hell, because we certainly aren't in Kansas anymore.

I mean could I embarrass myself anymore if I tried? Like hell I could, because this non-existent God sure knew I wasn't exactly _trying_ to humiliate myself in front of Chippendale's mom.

The deal was to suck-face, not kiss-ass, but it looks like that's what I'll be doing.

I quickly looked back up into the face of Mrs. Masen. "Well, let's hope the kid doesn't have a photographic memory, right?" I smiled, trying to relieve some of the tension.

I could feel Edward shaking next to me in laughter, while Rosalie stepped on my toe again with her heel. Shit! That hurt like hell.

"If you'll excuse me for one second…" I trailed off, grabbing Rosalie roughly by the arm and dragging her to the opposite side of the mall from where the Masens stood.

"What the fuck am I doing wrong, Rose?" I asked, shaking my head from side to side, burring my face in my hands.

After Rose stopped clearing those damn tear drops from her eyes, she looked me straight in the face. "You're doing nothing wrong, Bella."

"Which translates into I'm doing everything right. I wouldn't buy that load of crap if you paid me." I shook my head at Rose. She was not helping any.

"Bella, if you want me to be honest, I will."

"Rose, great to have the real you back. Can we stop reminiscing on times of old, and discuss the present? I need help. I've never kissed much ass so I don't really know how."

"Honestly, Bella," Rose rolled her eyes. "Everyone knows that. You haven't kissed much of anything."

"Do you remember last year, Rose?" I practically screamed. "You two little conniving devils got me drunk and I made out with a girl! I was a fucking lesbian for a day. So for your information, I have _obviously _kissed some."

"Bella, your level of high-pitched screaming continues to amaze me. But back to the topic at hand. Your problem _is_ your voice."

I looked over Rose's shoulder and found an open-mouthed Mrs. Masen, a hysterical little boy, and Emmett and Edward cracking up, leaning on each other for support.

"Alice and you are a bad influence," I huffed.

Rose shrugged. "Would you rather us be your influence or alcohol?"

"Neither. Both have the same side effects. I wake up the next morning wondering why the hell I have a god damn headache and why I'm not clothed. If I didn't think you were joking half the time, I'd seriously think you would want me to be your lesbian lover."

Rose rolled her eyes. "I swing both ways, Bella. I'm young, you're young. I'm just glad you don't remember it. It would have scarred you for life."

I stared at her, murderous. "Joking, Bella. I prefer to have the real deal filling me up cream-styled, instead of having to mess around with a plastic dildo."

"Too much information, Rose! Get your mind of sex for one minute, and let's focus on how I can redeem myself."

Rose laughed and it almost sounded blood-curdling. "You are past the point of redemption my friend. But if it helps, repeat this mantra over and over again in your head: I do what I want. When I want. Where I want. And to whomever the hell I want. It will teach the old hog to fuck off."

"What if I want her to like me? What if I don't want her to fuck off?" I didn't know why I cared so much, but this whirlwind day at the mall and Edward's proximity to me, and easy bantering with him, totally had me hooked. I liked the kid, damn it!

"Of _course_ the virgin wouldn't want her to fuck off. It'd be quite the show, though."

"Rose! I still have ten seconds of you and your agreement to not think about sex, so give them to me!"

By the smile on her face I could tell she had come up with some sexual retort, but when it came down to it, she was a good friend, and she gave me my ten seconds. "I know how to handle this, Bella. You go back over there, talk minimally, and I'll be back in a few minutes. Don't worry."

"Should I really be trusting you?"

"Do you really have a choice?"

My shoulders lumped forward and I muttered unintelligible words, walking back toward the personification of my death.

I wondered briefly how I got myself into this mess and then decided it was time to play the blame game.

I started with God again. If he had never decided to create this world, then there would have been no naked Adam, to bang a clothe less Eve. But, alas, God did create the world, and with them came hormones, so Adam ended up shagging Eve shameless. Too many years to count later, Charlie and Renee came to be. And then they had me and we just had to live in Forks, and I just had to become friends with the two worst people to ever exist. And then, as the cherry on top of the sluty sundae—and yes, we do know sundaes are sluty; they have a fucking penis look-a-like, whipped cream _and_ chocolate syrup—I willingly decided to come back every year, subjecting myself to even more torture.

The blame game was all I had at this point, and it was a stretch of the imagination by far. If only I had Dorothy's magic shoes and could transport myself to wherever the hell I wanted. It'd be fun to have Toto come along for the ride, too. At least, he'd be a good friend.

"Bella, dear, did you clear things up with that little friend of yours?" Mrs. Masen asked me sweetly, snapping me out of my trance.

"Um…I think so?"

She smiled at me, looking at me oddly, before bending down to pick up the little boy, who I now knew as Evan. "Evan, I would like you to meet Bella. Bella didn't mean anything by her remarks, did you?"

Mrs. Masen gave me a meaningful glance and I quickly smiled. As I was about to open my mouth, I was attacked from behind.

Someone was shaking me and sobbing into my back. I froze while they grabbed my sides and started forcefully shaking me back and forth.

They turned me around and I could see Alice's tear-stained face.

"Alice!" I quickly gasped. I couldn't stand her looking so sad. I wondered what was wrong, but all I wanted to do was make her feel better. "Alice!" I yelled again.

She looked up at me and started sniffling. She looked around me and smiled brightly. "I must apologize to all of you, especially you Mrs. Masen, and you, too, cutie," she said, pinching Evan's cheeks.

Mrs. Masen looked at her oddly, as did I. "It's all my fault," she continued. "I wasn't supposed to be gone for that long. Oh, Bella, will you forgive me?"

She lunged into my arms, and I hesitantly hugged her back, wondering what was going on. I looked up at Rose and she winked at me.

"Just go along with whatever I say," Alice hissed. "I'm here to help you fix this problem."

I immediately became worried. Alice and Rosalie trying to help me equaled no good.

"Of course I forgive you, Alice," I chocked, patting her back. "What exactly is there to forgive?"

"Don't pretend like you don't know, Bella!" she laughed, releasing me. "We're all practically family now," she smiled, waving her hand around to include the Masens in this conversation.

"Uh huh," I said, fidgeting with my hands.

"They can know, they won't make fun of you," she assured me.

"Know what?" I hissed, not liking at all where this was going.

"Your medicine," she said sadly, looking to the floor.

"Here are your pills, Bella," Rosalie stepped forward, handing me 13 pills. "I'll go with you to get something to drink, if you'd like."

I tried to swallow, but my throat all of a sudden closed up. "Pills?" I barked.

Alice stepped forward, wanting to explain. "You see, Mrs. Masen, the reason I lunged at Bella, is because she goes crazy when she doesn't take her pills. I had forgotten that I had them, and Rose and her were trying to find them when all of a sudden sweet, little Evan comes along. Bella just snapped. It happens if she doesn't take her 13 pills every six hours."

I stared open-mouthed at Alice. "Mrs. Masen, I can assure you that I do _not_ take pills. Wherever Alice came up with this absurd idea is beyond me."

Rosalie walked up to me and threw an apologetic smile to Mrs. Masen. "If you don't mind, Mrs. Masen, it was really nice meeting you and your family, but Bella really needs to get these pills down, so if you'll excuse us?"

"Oh, yes, of course!" Mrs. Masen exclaimed. "And Bella, dear, I do forgive you. I hope you can overcome your depression and thoughts of suicide."

I whipped my head back around to face her. "I thought I was just crazy?! I didn't know I was suicidal, too?!"

"Oh, I'm sorry, Bella," Mrs. Masen came up, laying a hand on my shoulder. "I can understand how that topic would be too hard to talk about." She smiled at me reassuringly before walking away.

I gaped, shocked at what had just happened. I didn't mean what I said in the way she had taken it. I meant that I hadn't known that Alice had gone and told her I was a lunatic.

I was _so_ going to kill these girls…right after I got that kiss of mine.

**A/N: Your love from last time blew me away. Seriously, I felt like Dorothy from **_**The Wizard of Oz**_**. Hehe, themed chapter. Anyways, I would love for you to do it again, so review away!! Also, yes, I beta, but no, I don't beta for my own stories. So sorry about the mistakes!**

**And, drum roll please, the kiss is in the next chapter!! About time, huh?**


	5. Jealous Jesus…Oh Christ!

Disclaimer: I do not own anything affiliated with Twilight

**Disclaimer: **I do not own anything affiliated with _Twilight_.

**A/N**: Poor Bella, always being embarrassed, but I promise you that it actually holds a deep significance for the later parts of this story!

**Last Time: **

_I was _so_ going to kill these girls…right after I got that kiss of mine._

**Chapter 5: **Jealous Jesus…Oh Christ!

Murder. I had to decide how to do it without actually getting caught.

Different scenarios were rolling around in my mind, but I suddenly lost all thought as someone encased me in their arms.

"You're crazy, huh?"

"Only for you, Edward," I joked.

"And suicide. Tisk, tisk."

I swirled around, a smile lighting up my face. "I would die for you, Edward. You should know that by now. I mean we _have_ been seeing each other for what? Three hours now?"

He grinned back and opened his mouth to say something, but Rose rudely cut him off. She started tugging on his arms, pulling him away from me and I couldn't help myself, I just had to pout. "Save room for Jesus, you two."

"Rose," I groaned. "Where the hell is Jesus supposed to go?"

"He was supposed to be between his penis and your vagina. Have some class," she huffed, walking away like a dignified princess.

"No fair, Rose!" I shouted. She was always making out in public places, and now suddenly that wasn't allowed? "Rose!" I yelled, catching up to her. "I wanted ass. I wasn't exactly worried about class. You ruined that for me!"

Rose rolled her eyes. "I ruined nothing. You would have been the one to do that, all on your own."

"Rose, you know that when you speak like you're smart, I don't follow, so stop being so cryptic."

Rose ignored my comment, and slowed down her pace, as well as her tone of voice, acting like she was talking to a two-year old. "Your virginity, Bella. You would have tarnished that."

"In a mall, Rose? You think I would have had sex in a mall?" I shook my head back and forth. "And you think _I'm_ the one who needs the pills."

"Glad it's finally starting to dawn on you. These things take time, but admitting you have a problem, is the first step," she said, patting my shoulder.

"Whatever. So, where _did_ you get the pills?"

Rose continued walking. "You only have to deal with Alice three days a year. I have to deal with that crazy maniac everyday. I buy Advil in bulk, just to keep up the appearance of being a sane person. As cute as that little pixie is, she's crazy. I know it'll hurt her to hear it, but it's the truth."

"And you're all for telling the truth?"

"Yes, except on certain occasions."

"Occasions like?"

"A girl never kisses and tells."

I laughed out loud. "So you have no problem going into porno descriptions of how many times you've done the deed and all the different ways you've had sex, but you won't tell the truth when it comes to a simple kiss?"

"Kisses are magical, Bella. They are meant only for you and that special someone to experience and know about."

"Oh. I get it. A kiss on the lips is sacred. A penis in the v-hole is meant to be out in the open."

"Why else do the guys say 'Open wide'? If you get yourself a good man, Bella, those legs will need to do some major stretching, especially if you want all of him."

"Heard enough, Rose!" I screamed, running back toward where Edward was standing next to Emmett.

As I ran, I could hear Rose laughing. She really did love torturing my virgin ears.

"Bella! My little saucy chick-fil-a. How you be?" Emmett boomed, completely dismissing all embarrassing encounters.

"Um, considering the circumstances, I feel violated." How had one outing to the mall turned into such a fiasco? A kiss. You would think it would be so simple. But, NO! Not for Bella Swan. She has to make a complete fool of herself, and then go crushing on the guy whose family thinks she belongs in a psych ward.

"Good to hear, kid," Emmett smiled, patting my head.

"She's not a dog, Emmett," Edward admonished.

Emmett winked at Edward. "I'm not sure about that, Eddie. I'm sure you're real aggressive in bed, aren't you, Bella? I'm sure you get real excited when you see your owner, too, don't you? Wigglin' that little—"

"Oh. My. God. Please stop," I interrupted Emmett. "I never thought I'd say this, but you and Rose are perfect for each other."

"Rose? Is that the tall blonde with killer legs?"

"You forgot to describe her face."

He laughed. "You're so thoughtful, Bella, but who has time to look at her face, when there are two, round, plump apple bottoms for you to bite right into?"

"Two sex-addicts. You guys are made for each other. Want me to introduce you?"

Emmett winked at me. "Bella, look at me."

"Um, I am?"

"No, seriously. Take a nice, long look. Tell me what you see."

"This is getting extremely awkward, extremely fast."

"It's alright, kiddo. I can see why you're shy. But my point is, do you think a man like _me_, needs help with introductions?"

He wiggled his eyebrows at me and I couldn't help but laugh. He had no idea what he was getting himself into.

"You know what, Emmett. Go get her!"

"That's the spirit," he laughed.

Emmett jogged off to where it appeared like Rose was window-shopping. Appeared being the key word. As one of her best friends, I knew what Rose was really doing. She was going over her mental checklist in her mind.

And being Rose, her checklist was on the kinkier side. I found this out one day when shopping with her two years back.

"Bella?" she had sighed. "Do you _know_ what it means to check out a guy? Have you even ever participated in the act?"

At the time I had laughed at her question. We were 15 then and of course I had done my fair share of hawk-eyeing some of the finer male specimen that were free to roam around for the simple pleasure of us females.

I simply answered her with a nod of my head, and she went continued to explain how checking out a guy was similar to a checklist for clothing. "First thing's first. You're simply walking, enjoying your day, and then something catches your eye. You see a hot guy and you rack him up and down, sizing him up for what he really is. Much like an article of clothing."

"I don't see how what that has to do with a checklist," I had muttered.

"It's all in the _way_ you look, Bella. You want a guy to notice that you _are_ looking, but don't want him to think you were staring."

"Again, where is the relevancy?"

Rose had then smiled, meaning she was getting to the actual reason behind her whole spiel. "In order for clothing to meet the requirements of a checklist, you have to think of your checklist for a guy. You own the guy. The guy is like an accessory. Much like articles of clothing. You have to ask yourself some tough questions that you might not want to hear the answers to. Does this piece of clothing wear me or do I wear it? Does this shirt help enhance my features, or am I lost behind the grandeur of it?"

I had rolled my eyes at Rose, but she was being completely serious. "Bella, a man has to compliment you, much like an article of clothing or accessory has to. These things become vital for our existence. Guys for sex. Skimpy clothes to make the guys want sex. It's a vicious, yet rewarding cycle."

"You seriously have a one-tracked mind, Rose," I had sighed, still shocked she was so experience and she was only 15.

"And one last thing, Bella. _Never_ buy anything with cherries on it."

"Why not?" I had questioned. At the time I had been wearing a cute cherry thong, but after Rose told me the reason, I had quickly discarded it.

"Seriously, Bella. Ever heard the phrase 'getting your cherry popped'? Wearing things with cherries on it is like wearing white. Women have a specific role in life, and that is to make men want them. If you wear white, they know you're innocent. If you were anything with cherries on it, they know you've done the deed. Our goal in life, Bella, is to make men suffer. When it comes time to divorce the space between you and Jesus, you don't want that little man whore to know whether or not you're experienced or inexperienced. It ruins the thrill of the moment."

After her speech, I had promptly left the room and shredded all of my cherry and white clothing, only to find her the next day in a skimpy white bathing suit. When I confronted her about it, she shrugged like it was no big deal. It was when she had turned around that I saw that the bottom of her bikini had an apple on it with a piece chewed out of it, saying 'Bite Me.'

It was all typical Rose. No cherries. But sex-induced apples were fine. No white. But a skimpy, wet, bikini in sheer fabric was no problem.

Knowing that, that was what Rose was thinking about right now, made me laugh.

I looked up at Edward who was eyeing my warily and blushed, knowing that a moment of spaced daze and then a sudden laugh, must have made him think I really was insane. But looking up at him, I couldn't help but let my eyes roam over all of him. Edward was one thing I definitely had to give God credit for. He certainly knew how to pop out some eye candy, and for that I was giving God a gold star.

"Bella!" Alice squealed, popping up between Edward and me. "You'll never guess what I'm about to do?"

"You're right, I'll never guess."

"Oh, come on! Let me have my fun. Just take a guess."

Poor, Alice. This was just too easy. "Shopping," I guessed.

"Way to ruin a girl's fun, Bella," Alice pouted.

"You have a really weird way of getting people to do what you want and then making them feel guilty about it, Alice. I suggested Rose take those pills, but now I'm beginning to think you should take at least half, too."

"You know, you never did thank me for saving you back there."

"And don't be expecting me to. You have Edward's mom thinking I'm a sexual suicidal freak."

Alice shrugged. "At least she doesn't think you live with ten cats."

"I don't see how that is worse."

"Oh trust me, it is. Remember that girl I told you about who twitches when she tries to flirt with guys? Well, her mom—"

"Alice! Point?"

"Oh, well, Esme is being ever so gracious and letting me get Evan a whole new wardrobe!"

"Alice," I whined. "Hasn't the poor kid been tortured enough?"

I could visibly see Alice's lips trembling. "Shopping isn't torture, Bella! It's a transformation and transgression into the beautiful side of life. Some appreciation for nature would be nice."

"Shopping isn't nature, Alice."

"It is, too! Shopping is _my_ nature. It's a natural instinct that all females are born with. I'm sorry that you're shopping chromosome got misplaced."

"Probably saw a sale, and couldn't pass it up," I smirked.

"Whatever," Alice huffed. "I'm leaving your ungrateful company to go spend time with Evan."

"He's not your next Bella Barbie," I warned.

She grinned deviously. "I know. He's my Evan Easel."

"Your poor little cousin," I grinned, looking up at Edward.

"And why is that?" he asked, grinning back.

"Alice just made him her blank canvas. The poor kid is going to have nightmares about this day."

He laughed joyously, but even after it died down, his smile remained. It wasn't a playful smile though, but rather a longing one. I looked up into his eyes and was taken back by what I saw. His emotions danced around so freely but when his eyes locked with my gaze, I could only feel our moment and us. Is this what Rose meant by a kiss being magical? Both of us seemed to be at a loss for words.

"Do you want to go some place a little more…quiet?" he asked, hesitant. For a second it sounded like he was going to say 'more private' but I resigned with the fact that I didn't care. Either way, I would be leaving this mall tonight with a kiss and a date.

"Sure, lead the way."

He chuckled. "I'm not exactly familiar with this mall, but I did see a hallway near the Macy's. They had restrooms, telephones, and chairs we could sit in."

I simply nodded my head, surprised that we weren't bantering back and forth, or that he wasn't making jokes about getting into my pants.

"So does me having pubic hair make me less desirable?"

He turned around, shocked, and reached for my hand, squeezing it gently, suppressing a laugh I knew would be boisterous. "As long as I don't come up with a hairball, I think I'll be fine," he winked.

It was then that I realized how embarrassing my question was. Why was it that I could never word things the way I meant them? All I wanted to do was understand why all the sexual bantering had stopped. I didn't actually want him in my pants…not yet, anyways.

We came to a stop right by the hallway, and my cheeks were still splotches of red. Edward didn't seem to find that any less attractive as he caressed them with the back of his hand. "You smell like strawberries, and you blush the color cherries. I'm beginning to think I should have a taste of this delectable fruit standing before me."

I smiled at him, though I couldn't exactly stop the shudder that rippled through my body at the thought of cherries and me blushing that color, especially after Rose's speech that I had so recently thought about from two years ago. "What's stopping you?" I asked, looking up at him from under my lashes.

He smirked and raised his eyebrows, grabbing my waist and thrusting me to him. We walked—actually, more like ran—down the hallway and he pushed me up against a door, my legs instinctively wrapping around his waist.

He lowered his lips to mine. "Bella," he whispered.

The torture this man was putting me through. I grabbed his head and held it between both of my hands. I bit my bottom lip, trying desperately hard to hold back. "Edward," I half-moaned, half-whined, "what is it?"

He grinned at my obvious need and desire. "Your lips smell like watermelon," he smiled.

I smiled at him, letting loose a small laugh. "Don't you want a bite of it, Edward?"

He practically growled, before crashing his lips to mine. He held me up against the door and after I felt like I could hardly take it anymore, I slide my tongue across his bottom lip, begging for entrance.

Willingly, he obliged, and our tongues caressed and loved each other in the most magical way.

It wasn't until an old lady hit Edward's ass with a cane, that we realized, even in the hallway, we were making a scene.

Edward apologized sweetly, dazzling the old lady, who forgave him, and finally left us alone after one more swat to his "toosh."

We looked at each other, both eager for more, and both spoke at the same time. "Family bathroom." We knew if we went into one of those, it would just be us two in the bathroom, and we wouldn't have to worry about people coming into a stall right next to ours.

Edward continued to keep his hold on me, and flew down the hallway to wear the family bathroom's were. I, in the meantime, was grazing my lips across his jaw, occasionally using my tongue to make small circles. I didn't know what had gotten into me, but I never wanted this pleasurable moment to end.

"Is someone in there?" Edward asked, after knocking on a door.

We heard a man groan from behind the door, before answering. "Here it comes," and then we could hear the sound he made as he thrust.

Ten seconds later, another half-scream, half-shocked voice yelled out. "It's so big!"

I looked at Edward and almost gagged. "Edward," I groaned, "please hurry. Whoever is in there is messed up. Who announces to the world when they are going to crap, and then looks at their own shit?"

Edward shrugged, but readily agreed, and five minutes later, we were in a family bathroom, with me pressed up against a wall, and Edward roaming his hands across my back. I became acutely aware of how close we were and could feel his body heat on me. I groaned in pleasure as he nibbled on my bottom lip, and then gasped when his tongue took to roaming around in my mouth.

I felt like I could hardly take the sexual tension anymore. "Edward, we need to stop."

He pulled away from me, and looked at my face. "But you taste so good," he smiled, kissing my lips repeatedly. I closed my eyes at the sensation, and before I knew what was happening, his lips found their way to my closed eyelids, and his tongue playfully licked in-between kisses.

"I can't handle this, Edward," I sighed, my body begging to not listen to my brain.

"Actually, I beg to differ," he smiled against the spot right below my ear. He nipped at it and I whimpered in pleasure. "Your sounds are musical and your taste is divine." He continued to kiss me all over my face, before finally coming back to my lips to shut me up.

I allowed this to go on for awhile longer, his lips enveloping over mine, his tongue dancing in the most sensual way, even his hands, leaving a fire burning wherever they roamed.

Unwillingly, I smiled, but let my legs drop from around his waist, and pulled my head away from his.

"This was not what I had planned on when deciding to come to the mall with my mom, brother, and cousin."

I smirked. "I'm glad you didn't listen to Rose from earlier, and had me your way."

"I do love Burger King," he chuckled.

He kept his arm wrapped tightly around my waist and we walked out of the bathroom. I couldn't repress the grin on my face. It was weird to have known someone for three hours, and to have shared such an enticing experience with them, but with Edward, it didn't feel weird, it felt right.

Just as we were about to leave the hallway, Rose and Emmett came walking out, with their clothes disheveled and their hair array, from the bathroom we had tried to get into earlier.

"It was you two?" I asked, suddenly disgusted at how I had misinterpreted those words and noises. 'Here it comes' no longer meant the guy's crap, and 'It's so big' no longer meant the size of his crap either.

I felt the need to puke, but then I felt Edward's cool breath on my neck, and instantly went from hazy and sick to hazy and dazzled.

Both Rose and Emmett were smirking but gave no further answer.

"You guys were like horny kangaroos bouncing around in there," I yelled, deeply disgusted and disturbed by their bathroom happenings.

"Bella, it's so weird when you use animals from Australia and describe them in a sexual way."

"Oh come on, Rosie," Emmett smirked, giving her ass a little swat. "Don't tell me you didn't like it down under."

**A/N: I hope this was a good mix of humor and romance, but as always, the only way for me to know is for you to review, so let me know!! Thanks for the continued love and support!**


	6. Lust, Laughs, and Lunatic Girls

Disclaimer: I do not own anything affiliated with Twilight

**Disclaimer: **I do not own anything affiliated with _Twilight_.

**A/N**: Rose and Emmett did _not_ have sex!! It was more like a blowjob. Also, know that Renee and Phil are _not_ married. All for the purpose of the story, of course.

**Last Time: **

"_Oh come on, Rosie," Emmett smirked, giving her ass a little swat. "Don't tell me you didn't like it down under."_

**Chapter 6: **Lust, Laughs, and Lunatic Girls

Rose and I were staying over at Alice's house since her parents were in New York for New Year's. I'd had to plead with Charlie to agree, going so far as to buy a chastity ring and putting it on my wedding finger. Now, I was beginning to regret even considering staying anywhere near Rose and Alice.

"Bella," Alice whined. "We have _so_ much to do."

"Bella," Rose screamed, "you heard the woman! Even if you don't have things to do, I do have things—more like someone—to do."

"I said I don't want to hear about you _doing_ Emmett. You met the guy and a half an hour later, you're giving him a blowjob."

"_He_ wasn't repulsed by the idea," Rose grunted.

"Who would be, Rose? Having to stroke some hairy pole that could possibly poke your eye out, and then trying to put your mouth around something that is probably going to choke you to death, only to have it squirt God knows what into your mouth, and all over your face. Who would be repulsed by that?" I asked sarcastically.

"_I_ thought it tasted rather sexy," Rose defended.

"You sound like a dog, Rose. You can't become territorial over someone's penis and cum."

"Since you've never eaten any before, Bella, I wouldn't expect you to understand, but let's just say, it filled me up rather well."

"And how on earth does something _taste_ sexy?" I ranted, thinking back to Rose's previous comment.

Rose laughed wickedly. "When you're done masturbating, Bella, have you ever licked your fingers?"

"Rose!" I screamed. "I don't masturbate! Chastity ring, remember? And what happened to saving room for Jesus? You were all adamant about that yesterday."

"First of all, Jesus doesn't get upset if you're just pleasuring yourself. It's like a baby boy. If his wiener squirts pee all over himself, his mom doesn't get upset. But as soon as his penis goes haywire and squirts pee all over _her_, he's no longer so cute and innocent."

"You have the weirdest analogies."

"We can always teach you how to masturbate, Bella. It could be added onto the list."

"I'd rather commit murder than be taught how to masturbate by you, Rose. Besides, I'm sure that teaching me that little lesson would only get you turned on, and before I know what is happening, you'd whip out a dildo, totally shocking me. Then shortly after that, I'd have an actual dick up my ass, and when everything is all said and done, you'd simply walk out of the room, saying 'All in a day's work'. It's sickening, Rose."

"I wasn't going to spring it all on you in one night," Rose muttered. "I was thinking more like college courses. If you pass Masturbating 101, you can move onto Dildo Fiddling 101. When you're done with the prep work, you can finally get into the grind and grunt of the sex education classes—pun completely intended."

"In a way, Rose, I see how much thought you've put into this, and I thank you, but I'm still going to decline. You're too sexual for my liking, and frankly it creeps me out. Ever wonder why my doors are locked at night? I'm afraid you'll need some sort of release and come and find me to help with your problem."

Rose laughed joyously. "You know me so well, Bella, but I have a man who can take care of that now."

"Bella, please let us in," Alice sang, sounding tearful. She obviously was oblivious to this conversation. When Alice wanted something, she was determined to get it. She would overlook all obstacles, and focus in on her one goal.

"You mean none of this stuff we're talking about is turning you on, Alice?"

"I haven't been paying attention, I've been scheming."

"Alice, shush," Rose commanded. "Bella is still being educated about the finer aspects of how to please someone or herself in an elegant fashion."

"I hardly call a blowjob a pleasure done in an elegant fashion. Or masturbating for that matter…or fucking someone with a dildo. All of your ideas, Rose, are actually mere fantasies you _wish_ you could see happen to me," I muttered.

"Sick joke, Bella, but at least you know how to make one."

"At least Jesus still loves me!" I retorted back, shortly after, realizing how stupid and prude-like I sounded.

Just then, Alice and Rose burst into my room, Alice looking pleased with herself.

Alice came over and stood next to me, smirking.

I glared at her. "You're the devil reincarnated into a pixie form, Alice. And that's nothing to be proud of."

"Bella, we don't have time for your virgin sarcasm. We have to talk about our kisses!"

"Edward and I groped each other. There, I'm done."

"Jeez, Bella, you sound incredibly enthusiastic after having made-out with an avatar of Adonis. If he did nothing for you, I'm afraid I'm going to have to sign you up for a life of celibacy."

I rolled my eyes. "So how'd your kiss go with Jasper, Alice?" I asked, knowing that, that was her sole purpose for being here.

Alice squealed. "Well, I was really nervous after Rose told me I had to kiss her brother. Of course, I had to tell her she couldn't be there when it happened. She's so kinky."

"Standing right here!" Rose proclaimed.

"Hey, Captain Obvious, maybe we wouldn't talk about you in third person, if we felt you were actually important enough."

Rose was about to retort, before Alice stopped her. "We are _not_ getting off topic again. This is about Jasper and me, and not about how horny Rose is on a daily basis."

"Continue, Alice," I soothed.

"So when we got to Rose's last night, I went up to Jasper's room and knocked on his door. He opened it up and was surprised at first to see me standing there, but I just jumped up into his arms and said hi," Alice smiled.

"If I didn't know you were a virgin, Alice, I would say that, that move was a bit forward for a simple hello."

"Bella," Alice complained. "I'm a virgin, not a hermit. I don't mind rubbing my junk on his trunk."

"So did you give him a lap dance after you assaulted him?" Rose smirked.

"Nope. I just kissed him and told him that I've liked him since second grade."

"I didn't know you've liked him for that long?!" I exclaimed.

Alice smiled. "I wrote this story when I was in first grade about a fairy who fell in love with a ghost. Of course I named the fairy after me, and I named the ghost Casper, because at the time, I loved that cartoon. The teacher wanted me to be more original, though, so I changed the 'C' to a 'J'. Then when the three of us actually started sleeping over at one another's house, I found out Rose had a brother named Jasper, and that was it for me. Some would call it love at first sight, I would call it destiny."

"That's romantic in a weird sort of way," I told Alice.

"I wouldn't expect you to understand, Bella, since you're always so guarded, and I wouldn't expect you to understand, either, Rose, since you're way _too_ open."

"Can I get something straight?" I asked the two of them.

"That's the attitude I'm looking for!" Rose clapped. "In order for a man's penis to go straight like a rod, you have to—"

"Straight, as in clarify something, you pervert," I interrupted.

"_Be_ boring," Rose complained.

"Rose knows Emmett for half an hour and gives him a blowjob. Alice straddles Jasper and has been in love with him since second grade. You've each found your match. And all I've got is Mr. Let Me Talk Dirty to You. Is that correct?"

"He talked dirty to you?" Rose screeched, excited.

"You don't find it a little weird that I knew the guy for three hours and it already sounded like we were having sex?"

Alice and Rose shrugged. "Everyone has different ways of introducing themselves," Rose exclaimed.

I had to laugh at that. "Bella," Alice chirped. "Is it so hard to believe that he might actually be attracted to you in the same way? And maybe for you two, it _was_ this instant connection. A feeling of knowing and belonging that intertwine in a way that makes perfect and absolute no sense all at the same time. And sure it might be confusing, but isn't that what love is? A constant battle to find symbiosis? And then all of a sudden, you realize that love isn't the act of _becoming_ one, but the process along the way. The journey of mistakes and fights that end up bringing you closer in the end? Isn't that what love is? A journey two people make in order to become one soul?"

I stared at Alice, for a minute, taken back by her words. They were deep, and I couldn't handle deep. My parents had divorced when I was young. My dad had no love life, and my mom was like her own version of a playgirl, going from guy to guy. Love didn't exist in my world. Not true love, anyways.

Instead, I focused on the idea of Edward actually feeling the same way about me. "Have you guys actually looked at the man? When I'm standing next to him, he's like Ken, and I'm Barbie's fucking dog, Tanner. He's a god and I'm a mutt."

Rose and Alice exchanged looks. "One of the reasons for doing this list, Bella, was to help you get out there. Sure, we've had crazy mishaps and fun, even only after a day, but you made-out with a guy in a public restroom and we didn't even have to get you drunk! These are huge baby steps," Alice exclaimed.

"And that was an oxymoron."

"And this is not the time to play teacher," Rose said, exacerbated, before a wicked smile grew on her face, meaning only one thing. "Unless we have some naughty school girls who want to come out and play."

Alice glared at Rose. "If you make one more sexual innuendo, I'm going to make you fuck an old man we pick up off the streets," Alice warned.

Rose glared back. "And I'll make it a three-some if you even dare."

A glaring contest ensued for far too long, so I snapped them out of it. "Wasn't there a reason you two came barging into my room against my will?"

Their scowls quickly turned into mischievous grins, and like many things when it comes to them, I regretted even opening my mouth.

"You do remember what we had planned for today, don't you?" Alice questioned.

"As much as it physically pains me to admit, I don't," I answered, un-amused and definitely not excited.

"We're buying pregnancy tests!" Rose giggled menacingly.

"Rose, I think you might actually need to use yours," I smirked.

"For the last time, I did _not_ have sex with the man. It was a simple blowjob, that's it."

"Oh, Rosie," I pouted, smacking her ass like Emmett had done the day before. "I'm sorry to hear it was so 'simple'. I'd offer you my services, but I don't have anything to dangle in front of your face. My apologies."

Rose glared at me before grabbing my arm. "Get the keys, Alice," Rosalie barked. "It's time for Bella to get mortified!"

**A/N: Support and title courtesy of amblovestoread!! Give her some love when you review. Also, always thanks to my fellow Cookie Leaguers: My-Bella, hellopants, and Angelic Messenger17. They're my virtual family!! Just so everyone knows, I'm out of town so the updates won't be as frequent, but please still review. It seriously makes my day and I respond to all of them!!**


	7. What’s in a Name

Characters belong to Stephenie Meyer, who makes it difficult for girls to find a boyfriend, since none compare to The Edward Cu

**Disclaimer: **I do not own anything affiliated with _Twilight_.

**A/N**: Some of you don't like how graphic and young and experienced and dirty these characters are. I just want to say it's rated M so you were warned! Oh, and I'm a day late. Sue me…it'd be really funny if you tried, but please don't! C:

**Last Time:**

_Rose glared at me before grabbing my arm. "Get the keys, Alice," Rosalie barked. "It's time for Bella to get mortified!"_

**Chapter 7: **What's in a Name

I groaned. Rose had literally thrown me into the car. I had never realized it before, but that girl had serious guns on her. I should have figured it out after the blowjob incident. I mean with a boy the size of Emmett, you can only imagine how big his…ba-donk-a-donk…must be. The girl probably _gained_ some muscles just from stroking the thing.

"Rose, you gave me a fucking bruise!"

"I should have done more," she growled. "You claimed I gave simple blowjobs," she huffed.

"I did not _claim_ that," I argued. "I _used_ your words. Next time you don't want someone to use something, I suggest you don't put it out there for them to take."

Even though Rose was riding in the front with Alice, I could sense her rolling her eyes. "If I didn't put anything out there, Bella, how am I supposed to receive anything?"

"It's all about giving, Rose, never about receiving. Did Sunday Bible School help you at all?"

Rose laughed. "All I learned from Bible school was chastity. Look out how far that got me."

"Yes, you certainly do, do a lot of, er, giving of yourself. Excuse my interpretation of handing out sex as not a good, Christian, giving of a gift."

"Giving away your virginity is a gift," Rose laughed. "The Bible told me so."

Alice laughed, clapping her hands together. "What else did the Bible tell you?" she squealed.

I rolled my eyes. Did the girl seriously think she could learn fashion tips from it or something?

"Well, I can tell you what the Bible taught _me_. Just remember, this was my interpretation of what the Bible said."

Alice squealed again and looked over at Rose.

"Road, Alice!" I screamed.

Alice simply waved her hand, like it was no big deal. "Bella, don't worry about littering. If we get into a crash, I promise I'll pick up all the pieces."

"Your dense," I muttered, scared like shit for my life.

"Anyways, I didn't always _plan_ on having sex so early in my life," Rose started, as if she was talking about not always _planning_ to become a vet. Sex and Rose definitely shared a casual, yet extremely friendly, relationship. "But that all changed when they taught us about chastity."

I rolled my eyes at this point. Only Rose would hear a talk on _not_ having sex and go out and _have_ sex.

"Well, the whole time they were saying the word 'chastity' I thought they were saying 'chase tits'."

"How the hell did your ears know what 'tits' were when you were twelve?"

"At first I thought they were saying 'tities' I just found out that, that was the plural version of 'tits' as soon as I asked some guy in Subway."

"Rose!" I yelled shocked. "You asked a stranger what tits were?" Lord, help this woman.

"Like you said, I had no clue what they were."

"So, did he tell you to fuck off you perverted soul?"

"No," she laughed. "He was the rocker dude who wore all black and parked his Harley right outside the place. When I asked him he told me to get a Bible. I laughed in his face. He was completely shocked when I told him that the Bible was the one that had the word 'tities' in it."

I laughed. The encounters Rose had, definitely screwed with her views on the world.

"So, then I assumed all men were to chase tities. They always said to save yourself for a man, so I figured when a man came along, asking about my balloons, it was fine to let them go at it. When I found out how unbelievably good it all felt, I was no longer waiting for them to come to me, I simply looked down, and said 'Tits, go wild, go free. Run like the wind, you animals'. And they did, hence my sexual nature."

I shook my head. "Maybe they just shouldn't talk about chastity anymore."

"Oh, I think they should. It was definitely the best ten minutes of my life," Rose grinned.

"Funny" I mocked. "Do your sexual escapades pale in comparison to your talk on chastity? Ironic…" I mused.

"Oh come on, Bella," Alice laughed, turning around to face me. I swear, if that girl took her eyes off the road one more time, I would be littering her on the road. "How many people do you know who could think so cleverly? Honestly, chastity and 'chase tits' are like, complete opposite. I consider Rose a mortal genius."

"I consider her a sex whore, but to each their own."

"I'm not the one buying a pregnancy test, now am I?" Rose smirked.

"I'm not the one who could actually be pregnant, now am I?" I smiled in return.

"For the last fucking time. Emmett and I did _not_ have sex."

"True, but that doesn't mean a damn thing. You could have given him that 'simple' little blow job, and when he cummed into your hand, you could have been so turned on, that you masturbated, using your manicured, cummy fingers. Hence, those little wigglers of guys, collectively known as sperms, could have swimmed their way through your system and introduced themselves to the lovely ladies lurking around in your waters."

"Jeez, Bella. For someone who's never had sex, why do you know so much?"

I stared at Rose, seriously wondering if she was asking that question. "Every year I come here, I'm bombarded with sex manuals straight from the source. It's like being fucking Hugh Hefner, except in a teenage woman's body. Hell, I would be able to put out more than magazines. I could put out a whole damn encyclopedia."

Alice and Rose laughed. "Young sperm-free earthling, I have taught you well," Rose grinned.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get out of the damn car so we can go and get this whole mortifying experience over with," I muttered.

We had been sitting in the parking lot for a good five minutes by this point, but Alice had been busy looking up the Bible on the internet using her phone. She swore they had mentioned something about brown clothing in it, meaning after 2,000 years, brown was now in. She is _so_ weird. I have a sex addict and shopping addict for my two best friends. What does that make me? An addict of weird people?

I got out of the car, shaking my head. Why I was still friends with these people, was a mystery to me. All I could think of were reasons why I should _not_ be friends with them. And as I finally found them in the store, I added another reason to my rapidly growing list.

"Rose, we are _not_ getting that pregnancy test!" Alice screamed in horror.

"And why the hell not?" Rose argued back.

"Did you _look_ at the box?" Alice questioned, in complete disbelief. For a second, I thought she actually cared about its qualifications, but no. Apparently the Bible taught Alice something, too. "It's green," Alice fumed, "green! And it's _Early Result_. Do you _know_ what the Bible says about early results?"

"That they're accurate?" Rose guessed.

"No!" Alice screamed. "Early results are like your conclusions of something _before_ the actual results. It's practically discrimination. Maybe even prejudice. Early results are going to _judge_ you on whether or not you're pregnant! Do you _want_ to be judged?"

"Isn't that kind of the point, Alice?" I asked meekly.

Alice whipped around to face me. "Let me guess!" she huffed, throwing her hands up in the air. "You want to try _First Response_? They're even worse! They're not even going to do a _little_ bit of research. They'll just look at you and tell you what they think right off the bat."

I swallowed before pointing out the obvious to Alice. "I don't think pregnancy tests _look_ at me. I think I have to pee on them to get answers."

Alice laughed evilly. "So _then_ what will they think of you? Oh, this girl peed on me. She's like a fucking dog! Do you want them to judge you on that, too? Why no one has started a Pregnant Women's Rights Movement is beyond me," she muttered, glaring at the two boxes marked with the innocent words of their product name.

"I'm not even pregnant, Alice. You're reading way too much into a name."

"Oh, I see how it is. Rose thinks chastity is 'chase tits' and _I'm_ the one reading too much into a name. This day is absolutely ridiculous. I'm off to buy clothes for the baby. I'm leaving you two morons to get the damn test."

I didn't feel like pointing out to Alice _again_ that I wasn't really having a baby, so I stayed quiet as Rose and I looked at the different pregnancy tests, avoiding the two that Alice had some kind of racist attitude toward.

"What do you think about this one?" Rose asked, picking up a box with the words _Clearblue_ written on it.

I shrugged. It seemed innocent enough and it's not like I was actually going to use it.

"Let's go get Alice and leave," I mumbled, picking up the box.

We found Alice in the baby section with three carts. "Alice!" I screamed. "What is all this crap?"

"Crap? You think putting clothes on a baby's back to keep them warm should be considered crap? Bella, I hate to say this to you, but I don't think this baby will be treated as well as it needs to be. I don't know if you're an adequate mother."

"Maybe since I'm not having a baby, I don't have to worry about being good or not!" I shot back. "And why the hell do you need three carts?"

"One if it's a boy," she said, pointing to the blue-filled cart angrily. "One if it's a girl," she continued, showing us the pink-filled cart, "and one if it's neutral," she finished, waving a hand over the green and yellow-filled cart.

"Who in God's name do you know has a _neutral_ baby?"

"Bella," Alice hissed, lowering her voice. "Some girls have a little pointer and some boys have a mangina—a cross between a penis and a vagina. It's extremely rude to make fun of those who are born challenged in the soon-to-be-sexually-active area."

"Whatever," I muttered. "Can we just get out of here?"

Rose was filing her nails, while Alice finished loading up the cart. "Fine, Bella," Alice sighed, in obvious annoyance. "We'll meet you out at the car. When you go up and pay for it, act like you really are pregnant; it makes it all the more fun. Give Rose and I ten minutes to pay for this and then go up to the counter."

I stared at Alice and then back down at the carts. She was seriously going to buy those things. I shook my head, but kept quiet, letting Alice do whatever the heck Alice wanted to do. I'm sure somewhere in the Bible she had also found interpreted something as an eleventh commandment that read: 'Thou shall let Alice do what thee wants to and thy must helpith.' She really was something else.

After ten minutes had passed, I slowly and nervously made my way up to the counter. There just had to be a guy my age working there. For some wildly crazy reason, I suspected Rose and Alice to be behind this.

I walked up to him and set down the pregnancy test, immediately dropping my eyes to the conveyor belt, just staring at the forsaking object, blushing and cursing.

"A pregnancy test?" he questioned.

I let my gaze slowly shift upward. Was he _allowed_ to ask me such personal questions? "Um…" I stammered. "Are you even allowed to ask me that?"

He looked down at the pregnancy test and then back up at me. "It's kind of obvious…" he trailed off. "And then there's the whole freedom of speech thing."

"Commandment number twelve," I found myself saying. "Never ask an embarrassing or personal question to someone."

I wanted to slap myself. I sounded like an idiot. No wonder I was buying a pregnancy test!

"Never heard of that one," he muttered.

"Really?" I questioned, feeling myself grow more confident, which only translated into stupidity. "I bet that means you've never heard that chastity means to 'chase tits' either?"

He blushed and looked away. "Uh, no I haven't, though I guess I, uh, kind of like that one," he finished, scratching his head.

"Male hormones," I said, shaking my head.

"I'm not the one who acted on _her_ hormones," he shot back.

"Commandment number thirteen. Never talk back to your customer!" I practically yelled, slapping myself repeatedly in my mind.

"Where the hell do you come up with these things, horny girl?" he shot back.

"I'm not horny!" I screamed, immediately skipping pink and going straight to red. "Besides," I whispered, "I haven't even had sex!"

He looked at me as I ran a hand through my hair. How the hell do I mess up buying a pregnancy test so much?

"So then, what's the pregnancy test for?"

"To see if I'm pregnant, you idiot."

He stared at me, confused. "Whatever you say. Let me guess, you're not engaged either."

"Huh?" I questioned. They really needed to fire this kid.

"Your left ring finger. It has a ring on it."

"Oh," I laughed. "That's a chastity ring. My dad got it for me a few days ago," I explained.

The kid looked at me, muttering under his breath. He quickly rang up the item and threw it at me. "It's on the house. I suggest you spend your money on getting help."

I stared after his retreating figure, shocked. Rose and Alice would never let me live this down. I had basically made up two commandments, accepted Alice's commandment, bought a pregnancy test while admitting I had not had sex and that my dad had bought my a chastity ring a few days ago.

"So, what're you going to name it?"

I whipped my head around, completely shocked at being pulled out of my completely embarrassing walk down five-minute memory lane.

"Edward?" I stammered.

"I like it," he smirked.

I shook my head, suddenly realizing what it was that he had first said.

"Oh, this?" I questioned, holding up the pregnancy test. "I'm not really pregnant," I smiled.

"So…what's it for then?"

I rolled my eyes. "Three words: Alice, Rose, list."

"Ah. Translated into one word: trouble."

"Exactly," I sighed, glad he understood and wasn't laughing at my predicament.

"I'm guessing trouble is what got you into this mess in the first place," he grinned, pointing at my stomach.

"I already told you, I'm not pregnant."

"Yet," he clarified.

"Is that a twisted way of offering to have sex with me?"

He cocked his head, his eyes amused. He stared at me for a few seconds longer than I felt comfortable with. "Nah," he finally said, "I think we should at least wait until we know each other for more than a day or two. Besides, we don't want to pull and Emmett and Rose."

I nodded. "I completely and whole-heartedly agree," I smiled, realizing how corny those words sounded.

He leaned up from the counter and walked over to me, grabbing the pregnancy test out of my hand and twirling it around in his hands. "But hang onto this," he smiled. "After tonight's New Year's party…" he smirked, running a finger across my collarbone, "…you just might need it."

**A/N: As always, thanks to the Cookie League…my virtual family!! Go and PM My-Bella…let her know Lucas is mine. Oh, and review while you're at it, hehe.**

**Recommendations:**

**DISCLAIMER: **I do recommend these on my own. Sorry to say it, but I will not advertise just any story, so please don't ask. C: These are truly good stories.

I am an avid hater of fanfiction stories that are the epitome of bad writing and clichés yet get so many reviews. Here are some original stories, that don't get enough love, yet are amazing! (In no particular order.)

Always: A Teenage Love Affair (by XxBanditQueenxX)

My Brand of Heroin (by blinding-rainbows)

Retrograde (by jandco)

The SafeKeeper (by jandco)

5. The Winter of Our Discontent (by XxBanditQueenxX)


	8. I Can Handle this Load

Characters belong to Stephenie Meyer, who makes it difficult for girls to find a boyfriend, since none compare to The Edward Cu

**Disclaimer: **I do not own anything affiliated with _Twilight_.

**A/N**: I do _not_ have a weird accent. Chastity translating into 'chase tities' was purely for humorous purposes. I don't actually pronounce the first part of chastity as chase…just thought I'd let you all know. C:

Okay, reasons for not updating include corneal abrasion (scratches on both my eyes, hindering my seeing for two and a half weeks), being sick for a week and a half, and finally exams.

And for the last bit of information, I am warning you now that this isn't so much a funny chapter as a seductive chapter.

**Last Time:**

_He leaned up from the counter and walked over to me, grabbing the pregnancy test out of my hand and twirling it around in his hands. "But hang onto this," he smiled. "After tonight's New Year's party…" he smirked, running a finger across my collarbone, "…you just might need it."_

**Chapter 8: **I Can Handle this Load

My collarbone felt like it was on fire and I wanted desperately to put it out.

Water would have been nice, but they always say to fight fire with fire, so I wanted more contact, more lips and more hand brushes. But he was such a damn tease and I was such an incompetent idiot around him that I just took what he shelled out.

I gave him a weak smile, my own knees shaking in desire. "So what you are doing here?" I squeaked out, biting furiously on my bottom lip.

Ignoring my question altogether, he encircled me in his arms, pulling me against his chest. I let out an audible gasp-slash-moan.

"Bella," he whispered, his hot breathe wafting over my ear, "stop biting on your bottom lip. It's just me."

I lifted my head off of his chest and looked up into his eyes, which sparkled in a cocky way. "If it was my decision," he continued, "I would be the only one allowed to _bite_ your bottom and your lips."

Rendered speechless and needing to gear the conversation elsewhere so that my body didn't immediately grope him like a sex-craved rapist, I repeated my earlier question. "Did you come to the store to pick up some things?" I asked, trying to wheedle an answer out of him, until I realized what a stupid question it was. Of course he came to a store to pick up some things.

He smiled, laughingly, and nodded. "Rose called me. And I'm here to pick up _you_. Something about revenge?"

I groaned. 'Time to mortify Bella' were her words and mortified I was—am. "I teased Rose about her ability to perform a blow job successfully and she took it way too seriously," I shrugged, explaining to him why Rose felt the need to get revenge on me.

"A blow job?"

I cleared my throat. "Um, yeah, you know. Man's penis, meet woman's mouth." When he still looked confused, I sighed but continued. "I don't get it either. Why call it a 'blow job'? Maybe because the man 'blows' up after word? But then why 'job'? I thought most people looked at sexual release as an extracurricular activity. But then again, jobs are things that need to get done, and maybe if the man has so much build up and it's just pulsing to come out, it becomes a job that _needs_ to be done. I guess I just prefer to call it sucking cock, but then you get the saintly people of the world looking down on you, cursing you to hell…kind of like that old lady is doing to me right now…"

Edward laughed, highly amused, though I wasn't. "I know what a blow job is Bella. I guess I've just never heard anyone describe it in such a …fashion…as you have."

"Oh." I was ready to hide myself behind a gum wrapper—anything—when I felt a presence behind me.

"Young lady, this is a super center, not a porn store!"

Ah! The crazy nun lady. What was it with people breathing religion down my throat?

I snapped. I, Bella Swan, born to Charlie Swan and Renee (insert last name of latest conquest), lashed out at the poor and unsuspecting nun. And in true Bella fashion, it only caused me further embarrassment—in front of Edward, of all people. "Well it certainly isn't a religious congregation either. And don't give me crap about porn stores. For God sake's the Bible—the freaking _Bible_—has a chapter called the Book of Revelations. Who the hell comes up with that?"

Edward was shaking with laughter behind me and I suddenly looked everywhere for that piece of gum wrapper.

"The Book of Revelations is extremely important to our faith," she stated calmly.

I huffed. "I guess it would be. How else would we expect stiffs like you to learn how to procreate?"

I was beginning to think that when I experience any emotion at all I randomly sputter embarrassing words and phrases, therefore becoming a robot didn't seem like such a bad idea.

And what was with me stating the obvious? Yes, people come to stores to pick things up. Yes, this woman—a nun—would not be expected to birth a child. How do I wind up in these messes?

"Please abstain from making such crude remarks," she asked formerly, switching tactics.

I grinned wickedly. I had no idea where this burst of courage was coming from, but as soon as it was over, I wanted to crawl into a hole and bury myself alive—it would be less painful than facing Edward.

"Let me let you _in_ on a 'little' _revelation_. When you have a man like _this_—" and at that point I grabbed Edward's lower region, cupping him, and as utterly embarrassing as it was, it was equally sinfully satisfying— "it's hard to 'abstain' from anything."

I winked at her, and went to move my hands from Edward's, er, lower regions, to his hand, but suddenly withdraw. It'd be kinky if I was to suddenly grab his hand with the same hand that had just grabbed his junk.

When I got out to the parking lot, I found Rosalie and Alice sitting on the hood of Alice's car, laughing like maniacs, with Emmett standing to the side, practically rolling in hysterics.

"That was anything _but_ crude," Rosalie remarked sarcastically.

I stuttered. So they heard everything but did they _see_ everything?

"Hey, Bella," Emmett laughed, "I bet you're not very good at dodge ball, huh? I can just picture it. Grab balls, throw balls, touch balls, twirl balls…anything _but_ dodge balls."

I stared at him, mouth agape. They had seen it! "So how did it feel?" Emmett continued. "It seemed more like grovel balls in this case."

I was mortified—exactly Rosalie's intentions, though I doubt she knew I would take it to this extreme. I admitted sourly that I always seemed to be the source of everyone's entertainment.

"I bought the fucking pregnancy test," I practically screamed, throwing the plastic bag at her.

Emmett couldn't help himself. He had to make another joke. "So now you 'welcome' balls, too? 'Hello, balls, you can reside right here. Think of it as a V-cation spot."

"I haven't touched a man's balls in my life…except for Edward's." I mumbled the last part. So now, I was a slut? Apparently I did everything imaginable to balls…I don't think I could look at sports in quite the same way.

"Bella, do you play favorites with the male anatomy? The balls versus the shaft." Rosalie laughed and I knew she was about to get me back for commenting on her 'skills'. "I thought you'd want to milk his goodness out of him. Make him say 'moo'. Cows are your favorites animal, right?"

I knew they were all just having fun, but why me? Simply because I was the unknowing virgin?

"How did you all see and hear me?" I asked weakly.

"Oh come on, Bella," Alice giggled. "We all knew you were bound to say something embarrassing. We just lurked in the shadows and waited. What is even funnier, though, is that you _did_ something embarrassing. How did it feel to be manhandled, Edward?"

Edward. The disgustingly handsome human being slash Hollywood perfection rolled up into one. How could I forget he was standing there? Right behind me. His hand on my low, low waist. His breath breathing back and forth across the nape of my neck. His low chuckle resounding loudly in my ear.

"I rather enjoyed it," he said, and I could just picture the smirk on his face. Suddenly, he pulled me against him so that my back was tightly fit to his chest and I could feel exactly how much he had enjoyed it.

Well, if that wasn't a boost of confidence, I don't know what else could be.

While the others continued to laugh and talk amongst themselves, I slyly let me hand reach its way back and gripped him once more, before turning around and placing an anything but innocent kiss on his lips. "I'm glad you enjoyed it…so much." And with that, I walked over to the car. Even I didn't know if 'so much' meant the size of his manhood or the amount of pleasure, and now undoubtedly pain, he was going through.

The girls and I got back into the car, ready to get off so we could get ready for this New Year's party.

I watched as Emmett and Rosalie said goodbye in the most sexual way and was shocked out of my staring when Edward stuck his head in the car.

"I'll see you at the party tonight, Bella," he whispered seductively in my ear, before turning my face toward him with his rough, yet gentle, hand. His lips savaged over mine in a completely carnivore manner, yet it turned me on so much I couldn't help but let out a whimper of a moan.

After hearing that the little cheap broke the kiss, chuckling. "Maybe tonight you can fix my 'little' problem." Then, looking down at the white shorts I was wearing, he grinned. "And I will happily fix yours."

I was almost afraid to look down. I think I knew what was already going to be there, I mean, I could feel it, but to let Edward know he had made me so wet, well I truly was an advertisement for 'girl most easily turned on'.

When we finally zoomed out of the parking lot, on our way to the mall to look for dresses, Alice let me in on the "exciting" news.

"The boys are going to meet us there so they can give us their opinions on the dresses, and we can make sure they choose appropriate clothing to match."

Alice was excited because that meant Jasper would be there; I was anything but excited.

"Alice! Why do they have to come? I'm only going to embarrass myself even more!"

Rosalie looked at me like I was nuts. "That's the point, Bella."

"So great to know that I am your source of amusement. My condolences that you couldn't find it elsewhere."

"Amusement and entertainment are two separate things," Rosalie retorted.

"I beg to differ. Especially when your source of entertainment could be amusing. Like in the sense, that maybe, I don't know, _she_ can't perform to the best of her ability."

"I thought we established I could give good blow jobs!"

"Rose, I know you've offered many times, but one, I don't have a dick, and two, we established nothing. That would mean I would had to have actually taken you up on your offer and though you swim in the same waters as your gene pool, I like to swing over the other side. Call it, going outside of my element," I grinned.

"I do not swing both ways!"

"Rose, I'm here for you—not sexually of course, though, I'm sure you'd like it. Admit why you're so scared of the truth coming out?"

Oh, how I took pure and utter joy in torturing Rosalie who had just mortified me to the extent that jumping off the ends of the earth sounded like a 'happy' idea.

"The truth has come out!"

"I don't know how to say this gently. But a man sliding his penis out of you, is not the truth 'coming out'. I can see how you would look at it that way, but seeing as us women have nothing to slide into you—besides, dildos, of course—the truth has not come out…at least not in the way you're picturing it."

"Emmett, never slid his penis inside of me, Bella! God damn it, I told you that."

"As a wise old lady once said, please abstain from crude remarks."

"I'll abstain from what I want to abstain from! You get no say in the matter."

"Yes," I agreed, "I suppose you are right. It would be difficult for me to tell you to abstain yourself from women when you are so clearly bi."

"I'm not bi."

"And I didn't enjoy feeling Edward's large penis in my hand."

"I knew you liked it," Alice squealed, finally joining in on the conversation.

I grinned evilly. "It was definitely a load to carry, but I could handle it."

"I knew you could, Bella," Alice cheered, though that sentiment was oddly taken out of context and I looked at her weirdly. "Well, I knew you could do something like that, not that your hands and his balls would…fit…so well together."

I had to laugh at that. "It was like they were made for each other," I smiled jokingly, getting out of the car and chasing after a furious Rosalie.

"Rose, wait up!"

I knew the woman was angry but she didn't have to get up on her high horse and gallop away into the night.

"Bella, baby," she called out mockingly, "you're going to have to run faster than that!"

And so I did, chasing her through the mall teasingly, jutting in and out of people.

And then suddenly, I saw the one person I didn't want to dodge. Edward gripped me around the waist, and placed a kiss on my forehead.

"Emmett, Jasper, and I just made a list of our own," he whispered to me, moving his hands seductively up and down my backside, the thin material of my tank top giving way to crazy sized goose bumps.

"Oh, yeah?" I smiled.

"It's more like a bet, actually," he grinned and I swear my heart plummeted down to my stomach.

"And what exactly is this bet?" I asked, peering up at him from under my eyelashes, trying to be as playful as he was.

"To get you naked," he whispered.

**A/N: Time to review!! And you know what would be even cooler beside the fact that I'm on summer break now? If I got to 400 reviews! LOL, wishful thinking, I know, but I also tend to wish Edward was mine, so, as you can tell, my head's always in the clouds. C:**

**So next is shopping and then the party!! Since I'm on summer break I hope to be updating a lot sooner once again!**


	9. Reviews

Reviews

**Reviews**

A lot of people are having trouble reviewing for chapter 8. I think it is because I had an author's note and took it down, messing things up. Anyways, I'm making this author's note chapter 9 so you can review for chapter 8 on this one.


	10. Cinderella’s Castle Rocks My World

Characters belong to Stephenie Meyer, who makes it difficult for girls to find a boyfriend, since none compare to The Edward Cu

**Disclaimer: **I do not own anything affiliated with _Twilight_.

**:WARNING: **I completely ruin a love song in this chapter, so I'm sorry people! I loved the song, too…

**A/N:** You guys! The reviews were amazing. I never expected to actually make it, but damn did I ever, so thank you!!

Also, my LLS, **amblovestoread**, posted a forum with this story on it at twilighted (dot) net so check it out!

**Last Time:**

"_And what exactly is this bet?" I asked, peering up at him from under my eyelashes, trying to be as playful as he was._

"_To get you naked," he whispered. _

**Chapter 8: **Cinderella's Castle Rocks My World

To get me naked. I smoldered at the idea. Suddenly, I no longer knew who the shy, timid, virgin Bella was. All I could think about was banging his ass right here, right now. And damn, would I enjoy it.

But I wasn't a hussy who gave out free sex or a free glance at my nude form, so Edward would definitely have to earn it.

"And what makes you think I'll let you get me naked?" I whispered, trailing a finger up and down his chest.

"Mmm," he grinned. "Maybe because if I win the bet, I also win the master bedroom where the New Year's Eve party is being held."

I grinned. I liked that idea…a lot. And if I ever regretted it, it wasn't like I would have to ever face him again. After all, one more night after tonight and then I'd be flying back home until…next year.

Banning away all depressing thoughts, I decided to tease Edward a little bit. "Why do we need such a big bed, Edward? I don't know if you have the concept of fucking clear in your mind, but it's pretty much you, me, and a little stick in between. We don't need a lot of room."

"Oh, I've got the concept alright," he grinned. "And who said anything about little?"

I looked down at his crotch area, smiling at what I saw. Teasingly, I let my hands trail farther down south, until my fingertips brushed playfully over _his_ tip.

"Bella," he groaned.

I wanted to burst out laughing, but kept it in. "A groaner with a boner," I smiled. "My, my, Edward, I really am affecting you."

With that, I tried to walk away. All of my teasing was to get payback at him for catching me completely off guard with this naked business. And for making me so incredibly hot. How to I quench a thirst like _this_?

And what bothered me the most was that he _knew_ how bushy and unkempt my hairy virgin lips were yet he still insisted on getting me naked. I didn't understand the man and it was infuriating.

Edward grabbed me back to him, my back flushed against his chest, his rock hard pole sticking practically into my ass hole.

"You found it, Edward," I grinned, laughing at how if we didn't have any clothes on, Edward's manhood would be up me by now.

"Found what?" he asked, shuffling us over to our group who was waiting around, laughing animatedly.

"Cinderella's castle!" I laughed. "And I see Mr. Prince Charming came to see what's _up_."

"Bella, did you just say what I think you said?" he laughed.

"Only if you just said what I think you said," I smiled innocently, even though he couldn't see it. I was being vague and childish and I really didn't care. I was having fun. What a rare occurrence!

"So, you're saying that if I said what you think I said, then what you said is what I think you said?"

"I don't know exactly what you just said, but if you're saying that what I said was what you thought I said, then what you said about what I said, would be what I said, which I think we both already said we said."

"Bella!" Edward whined in frustration, thrusting further into me.

"Alas! Prince Charming has broken through the gates. Full force, merry man!" I laughed.

"Bella, what has gotten into you?"

"Come on, Edward! Ride the horse into the castle! You know you want to," I laughed, again. Teasing Edward was fun, but teasing a horny Edward…oh the possibilities! And since I'd had my fair share of embarrassment, it was only time I repay the favor.

"Okay, I admit it, I want to ride the horse into the castle."

"Then let your guard down," I ordered.

"Bella, you're the one with the guard."

"Cherry popping, guard dropping, same difference. Now, onward, Edward! Cinderella is waiting for you inside."

At this point, we had reached where Rosalie, Alice, Emmett, and Jasper were standing.

Emmett, Jasper, and Rosalie were trying to keep from bursting out laughing at Edward. Alice was in heaven right now so she was too oblivious to notice the current object, which oddly enough, if I moved, was aimed at her.

"You guys ready to shop 'til we drop?" Alice asked excitedly.

"I think I'll be doing the shopping," I said, looking back at Edward. "While Edward has a little _dropping_ to do."

Emmett burst out laughing. "High on life, there, buddy?" Emmett teased.

"Let's just say, I'll be keeping Edward close for a little while."

Right after those words left my lips, I realized that now would be the perfect time to get Edward back for not telling me Esme was his mom. I still remembered that incident clearly and it was something I dearly wanted to forget. Getting Edward back for that would be a little rewarding and I felt oddly vindictive.

"Edward, let's dance!" I grinned.

"Here? Now?" he choked, not believing that I was willingly going to dance in front of a crowded mall.

"Yep. _And_ I want you to serenade me."

"In case you didn't notice, Bella," Edward said through a strained voice, "I'm a little stuck right now."

"You know the lyrics!" I exclaimed. "Perfect. All you have to do is sway back and forth singing 'Stuck on You' by Lionel Richie."

"Are you serious, Bella?" When I nodded my head, his mouth fell open in disbelief. "You do realize how the lyrics could be misinterpreted in this _situation_."

"Sing, Edward," I commanded. "And Jasper and Emmett can do commentary to the lyrics."

"And if I don't?" he countered.

"Let's just say that somebody will be losing the bet _and_ sleeping in a very empty bed tonight," I grinned. Edward's pride, ego, and aching cock could not resist.

Edward rolled his eyes though I knew "deep down" he enjoyed this.

"Sing slowly, Edward. And don't forget to give Jasper and Emmett time to say something in between each lyric."

"Oh, God!" he moaned. "Here it goes: _Stuck on you_…"

"More like stuck _in_ you," Jasper laughed.

Edward rolled his eyes. "_I've got this feeling down deep in my soul that I just can't lose_…"

"More like I have a boner deep down in Bella that I need to release," Emmett barked out.

Edward, being the good sport he was, continued on, swaying back and forth. "_Guess I'm on my way_…"

"On my way to squirting my little sperms all over the place," Alice spit out, clapping a hand over her mouth in shock that she said that.

"_Needed a friend_…" Edward continued.

"Who I could fuck," Rosalie added on.

"_And the way I feel now I guess I'll be with you 'til the end_…"

"Of our earth-shattering orgasm," Emmett piped in.

I could tell Edward was getting embarrassed as a crowd started forming. "_Mighty glad you stayed_…"

"On birth control!" Rosalie yelled, turning bright red afterward. "What?"

I tried to keep my laughter inside so that Edward would continue. "_I'm stuck on you_…"

"And I can't seem to get out," Emmett offered, referring to Edward's predicament.

"Last line, Edward," I whispered since I was starting to get embarrassed by the crowd myself.

"_Been a fool too long I guess it's time for me to come on home_…"

"To Cinderella's castle," I finished, pumping a fist in the air. Then shimmying closer to Edward, I grinned up at him. "Welcome home, Edward."

He rolled his eyes, but nevertheless gave me a peck on the lips, before turning me back around so my back was once again flushed with his chest.

"You're evil, Bella," he whispered into my ear.

"Evil people don't help those in need, and you, my friend, are in need of some serious help."

"And what are you going to do about it?" he asked, brushing his lips back and forth across my neck.

"I could always be a donor to the boner cause," I replied. Damn, did I loving this rhyming shit. And, besides, I would _so_ not mind donating my body to help his body. In fact, I think it would help _satisfy _both of our needs.

"You would do that? For little ole me?" Edward asked, putting on a fake grandma voice.

"Oh, no. Not for little ole you. From what I gather you're a big boy, who just so happens to be fully loaded."

"Bella," Edward laughed. "This is a completely different you."

"I feel free!" I grinned. "Well, except for one, _minor_ restraint. But otherwise I just flat out don't give a shit right now. Amazing, isn't it?"

"Scary, but whatever adjective floats your boat."

"Oh, no. I believe _I_ am the one floating _your_ boat."

"Oh really?"

"Oh, yes. What do you think is keeping that bad boy of yours afloat? It's my _waters_, Edward," I grinned happily.

"Bella, you are seriously freaking me out. I'm not even inside of you."

"Forget it," I mumbled, deflated. "Crazy erotic fantasy I was trying to stimulate into real life. Go ahead and bring it all crashing down," I sighed. "Let's just go find a dress."

"Now that idea, I like."

"You would," I mumbled.

"Time to get Bella naked!" Edward yelled and I swear all heads turned our way. With me being so tight against Edward and Edward still having a little problem, we so did not look innocent right now. And my flaming red cheeks just added to the guilt factor.

I rolled my eyes as Edward "accidentally" grinded into me further. "If you agree to getting naked, Bella, that was only a preview of what's to come."

I sucked in a breath, trying to not let him affect me, as we made our way into the store that Alice and Rosalie had dragged their boy toys into.

"You stable enough yet, Edward?" I asked, trying to regain control of the situation.

"I think I'm good enough," he smiled, squeezing my waist one last time before letting go.

I peaked down at him noticing it wasn't as bad as before. "Good boy!" I exclaimed. "Down," I patted. "Good boy to go down," I laughed.

"My dick is not a dog, Bella."

"No?" I questioned. "But all dogs get excited when they see me…" I trailed off. "And _this_ seemed rather excited to see me. I was just putting two and two together."

"I really don't like the gears being shifted. Before I was making you all hot. Now you're making me all hot. How did that happen?"

"I was just returning the favor, Edward." I patted his chest before walking off to find a dress.

Oh. My. Fucking. God. What just happened to me in the last thirty minutes? Did I go completely insane? One must wonder. Rose or Alice must have slipped me some drug because I was a freaking horny woman. And since when did I come up with sexy remarks to make back at Edward? I could only do that with Rose, which in itself was disturbing.

Maybe I was being repressed all my life. With my father being a cop, I felt rather geared to be perfect and follow every rule. But maybe I did have a little bit of my mother in me after all. She was, after all, with a different guy practically every month. I could turn on the charm if I had to. And Edward was all too happy to display his how well that charm affected him.

"Bella, come look at this!" Alice called to me, waving me over.

She handed me a silky, deep purple dress, which was practically backless and would only come to my mid-thigh.

"No, Alice," I told her.

She shoved it into my hands, pushing me into a dressing and slamming the door shut.

I sighed. Bossy little thing, she was.

"Bella?" Edward called from outside the door.

"In here," I muttered, stripping off the last of my clothes.

"Got it!" Edward laughed, as a flash of light went off and I looked down to find Edward's head peeking through the bottom of the door with a camera in his hand.

**A/N: **Lastly, I got a new website. If you click on 'homepage' in my profile and then click on 'Photo Gallery' you can see the pictures I have up for this story (like the girls' dresses). I also have a blog so you have an idea when I'll post and where I'm at in a chapter.

And while you're patiently waiting for my next update, check out my new story, _My Little Princess_. It is extremely different from this story. No blowjob in the first hour! (Inhale breath!)

Since I haven't done this in a few chapters thank you to my virtual family **The Cookie League**!! **SillyLily619** is amazing, as always, so kudos to her for the advanced reading.

Now, I believe you all have a job to do…review, review, _and_ review!! 550 reviews? I don't know, maybe we can do it…


	11. Twilight Awards

The **Twilight Awards** begin today. _My Little Princess_ **and** _The New Year's List_ have been nominated in the All-Human round. _My Little Princess_ is up for **Most Creative (incomplete)** and **Best Human Edward (incomplete)**. _The New Year's List_ is up for **Best Comedy (incomplete)**.

If you like either of these stories more than their competitors (eh…not likely) then you can go and vote for them!! Voting is open and I have a link on my profile that will direct you to the voting page.

On a side note, I really didn't like the last chapter of MLP but I am still hoping to put another update out for it today or tomorrow!

And all you TNYL lovers…be patient. (; I'm working on it!


	12. Youtube and Twitter

So…to sum it up I am a liar. :( This story is pretty much officially discontinued. I'm so sorry. BUT, if this is any condolence at all, I have set my sights on a new fanbase and passion: makeup and beauty.

Please follow me on twitter for updates (who knows, I might come back to this story?) and please subscribe to my youtube channel for updates as well as beauty tips, tricks, and secrets.

TWITTER: www . twitter . com / aniellenicole

YOUTUBE: www . / user / aniellenicole

Copy and paste links and then undo spacing between characters. Let me know your thoughts!

Thanks for all your love and support – sending it right back to you!


End file.
